When I went away to college, my parents converted my bedroom into a meditation room for my father. I was the youngest of three, the last to leave, and the only one who had their bedroom immediately transformed into something else entirely. Ironically, mine was also the smallest and had no heating or air conditioning, which you might think would make it the least desirable bedroom of the three to transform. So then, why my room? Simple: I was organized. (Okay, and yes, it was less desirable for company. But play along with us.)
When I went off to school I had “binned-up” all my stuff and donated or otherwise disposed of a lot of stuff I thought I didn’t need anymore. Admittedly I have a bit of regret about that decluttering experience. My whole life I’ve pushed myself and my family to shed stuff, but in doing so, sometimes I was too rash. I didn’t even have a digital camera back then to take a dose of that terrible advice, “Take a picture, and let it go.” The memories vanished.
Today we're sharing three conversations you'll want to have with your kiddos before any extreme makeovers to keep the peace and the memories.
One Conversation: All that 'stuff'
Parents, if you have not done so recently, open the door to your kid’s room, and just take in the 360 view. Do you see their personality blinking at you like neon lights of Las Vegas?
From the papers, posters, paint colors, and collections, you can see their interests, old and new, hobbies, achievements, and more. And all that they love now will get tested and turned on its head as they step into their new lives, whether they are going off to college or entering the labor force. What was cool or amazing or their passion now, may not be in a few short months.
Here are a few questions you could ask to help you start a discussion about all the ‘stuff.’ It's all about understanding what's what:
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- What do you plan to take with you? TIP! Keep a notepad handy because in this process you might also turn up new items that they need to buy before they go.
- Is there anything you aren’t taking that you wish you could?
- Are there things we could put into storage or rehome? I may have company stay in here now and then when you’re away, I’d like to make room for them to feel more comfortable.
- These {items} are actually quite valuable. I’d recommend you leave them here. Not great for a dorm room.
- If we had a fire or a flood, and we needed to grab and go with just a few things, what of your belongings would you want us to take out?
Avoid these common pitfalls as you get started:
Rushing it. The reason we're publishing this article now is because we want to save you from this pitfall. It happens when you either waited until the last minute or allowed only one week in the whole summer to get this done. Either way, rushed decisions are fraught with stress and increase the risk of conflict. Plan ahead.
Ignoring or dismissing sentimental attachments. Are you SURE they do not have a sentimental attachment to things x, y, z, that they are getting rid of? Regret can be so painful. You know your kid. If they are suddenly tossing aside items they have loved, maybe put them into a box you’ll hold for 6 months. Then they can check back in on that box with a different mindset from a different moment in time to ensure they are truly ready to part with its contents.
Ignoring YOUR sentimental attachments. Yes, your turn. If your kid is ready to let go and you are not, that’s on you. Let them know you want to save those items for your own memories and take responsibility for finding a safe place to store them until you are ready to let them go.
Missing out on opportunities to digitize. Digitization is your friend. It cuts down on clutter, provides a backup in case of fire or flood, and makes items accessible 24/7 from anywhere. What can this apply to? Printed photos, certificates, artwork, class notes, posters, projects, greetings cards, yearbooks (and the notes friends leave), and the like.
Losing context. Will your kid ever wear those clothes again? Do they need that sports gear anymore? Life is changing in a big way. Some stuff will no longer be needed in this new life. Let it go to someone who can use it.
‘Disappearing’ things. Resist going through their room after they are gone and make decisions about what goes and what stays. Instead, at most, sort the items, and when they next come home (and after they have caught their breath), ask them to go through the boxes and verify what should go where. No parent wants to ruin a visit by pestering their kid to go through their stuff, so you might also consider taking it in doses. One box per visit? In all likelihood, they are still adjusting to their new life. Cut them a break unless you are in a situation that absolutely compels downsizing.
A Second Conversation: It’s About the Space
This conversation is about love and respect in equal measure, and in both directions – two-way street! And in the process of discussing how you plan to repurpose their room once they move out, you will avoid the surprise factor as well as learn if they have any redlines you can accommodate so they do not feel overwhelmed by change. Here’s one flow that worked for an Arti community member who was launching child number 4 into the wild and that you can adapt to your circumstances:
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- I love you and you’ll always have a home here and a bed to sleep on.
- But I am going to convert your room into a dual-use space. I’ve always wanted to have a place for {whatever purpose}.
- When you are home, I’ll happily turn it back over to you. You’ll always have room for your clothes and ‘stuff’ {in this dresser/closet/space}.
- This does not mean all your ‘stuff’ has to go. We just need to make room. What can we pack up and:
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- Send with you?
- Store in the closet/attic/basement?
- Donate?
- Sell?
- Are you comfortable if we redecorate or paint the room?
- Do want to take any furniture with you, or do want us to keep certain pieces for you in the future?
Before you transform their room, and ideally throughout their childhood, record a video and/or take pictures and Artifct that. It's fun to look back on and remember!
The Penultimate Conversation: The Joy of Connection Through Artifcting
It’s nearly impossible to wander through a room so full of life as a kid’s room and not find yourself tumbling down memory lane. The stories and memories come unbidden. And that’s when you grab your phone, open the Artifcts app, and click record. When the story’s done, add a pic of the relevant object that triggered the memory, and save that Artifct. Now whether that object made the “keep” list or not, the memory is saved, in their own words, and maybe with your side commentary, too!
This is for them
This is for you.
The moments behind everything in their rooms will begin to get fuzzy and fade as they make room for this whole new world they are walking into. Save them now. And besides, as much as they may love Winnie the Pooh, what if he does not make the cut for the dorm room?
Your digital Artifcts provide the memories and comfort of home no matter where you or those physical artifacts are in the world. Feeling connected and grounded when there is so much change is the gift you give them through Artifcting together.
And remember, you can always Artifct for them, too, when they are not around. No two people hold the same memories. You may remember things that they were too young to recall or for which they only remember part of the story. Your memory about an event can be a gift. For example, they know what they experienced when they were in the school musical, the fun they had with friends, the stage fright, and more. YOU know what it was to be in the audience, seeing them on stage for the first time, laughing when they used improv to cover forgotten lines. Let them see it through your eyes too as you Artifct for them.
Happy Artifcting!
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Click on the image to view the Artifct, one of many irreplaceable items of this family's history.
