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How Two Sisters Overcame the Guilt to Lighten the Load of Family Heirlooms

Ellen Goodwin, Artifcts
August 16, 2023

Reading time: 6 minutes

Up until a few years ago, Rachel Donnelly, founder and CEO of AfterLight, and her family owned their old family home that had been in their family since 1890. Imagine the history those walls could tell! This home, in Eastern Tennessee, was where Rachel’s great-grandparents lived, where her grandmother was born, and where her mother was raised.  
 
After Rachel’s mother died, the family made the difficult decision to sell this beloved turn-of-the-century Victorian home that was in Rachel’s words “slap full of absolutely everything from our family's life. China, silverware, crystal, knickknacks, handwritten letters, newspaper clippings, coin collections, and of course, countless pieces of big brown furniture. You name it, it was in this house.”  
 
Buckle up, ladies and gents, we're going on a guilt trip. 
 
Rachel and her sister grew up with the expectation that the items filling this family home would one day fill their own homes, including the big brown furniture. Their mother made them swear they'd never get rid of these items that, in her mind, were priceless and irreplaceable. So, for years, Rachel and her sister were on a never-ending guilt trip.  
 
Fast forward, and the sisters’ homes have indeed become orphanages for the big brown furniture and knickknacks that their mother passed down. But guess what? Guilt be darned - the sisters are fed up! The time has come for them to unload the stuff of generations past to homes where families will cherish the pieces of their mother’s estate that simply do not fit with their own lifestyles. 

The sisters’ homes have become orphanages for the big brown furniture and knickknacks that their mother passed down.

We can all do better for the next generation.
 
What if we skip the proverbial guilt trip we create by unloading our stuff on our family, intentionally or not, and instead make a plan that will allow everyone to enjoy a trip down memory lane instead? At AfterLight, Rachel guides her clients down these planning paths every day. In honor of Make-A-Will Month this August, read on to learn some ins and outs that may help you on your way.   
 
Ellen Goodwin: I imagine that based on that fun introduction to our conversation, people can easily picture you and your family in good ol’ southern U.S.A. And that’s really important context for our readers. Our family relationships as well as the types of ‘stuff’ we tend to collect and pass down as family heirlooms often differs by region. 
 
Rachel Donnelly: Even though dealing with it was quite burdensome, I feel so fortunate to have had this family home as part of my childhood. This home was beloved by generations of my family and was full of so much history. The town in which the home was located was referred to as the "Utopia of Temperance," as it was a planned community where alcohol (aka the Devil's Drink) was strictly prohibited and any trace of liquor would lead to the property's confiscation by the city. Well, if walls could speak, they'd have tales to tell! I've always cherished the stories behind the various items in the house and what they symbolized in our heritage. My grandmother was an incredible cook and one of my prized possessions is her index box of recipes.  
 
Goodwin: What is universal in life is loss. And you are at the very forefront of helping people in modern times get through the planning and after-loss realities. It’s complex! Please help our readers understand the “why” and “what” of AfterLight. 
 
Donnelly: I like to say I received an immersive MDA (Master of Death Administration). After my own experiences with loss, including the death of my parents, and serving as the primary caregiver for and eventual executor of my uncle’s estate, I struggled to manage all the unavoidable administrative tasks that accompany aging, end-of-life, and after loss.  
 
It can take over 500 hours of effort and 100+ tasks for an executor to settle an estate. And executors are expected to complete these tasks, which are for the most part ones they have never done before, all while trying to grieve, work, take care of their family and/or prioritize their mental health. 
 
I searched for help with the tasks, paperwork and logistics in the weeks and months after my losses but struggled with where to turn. I experienced this struggle personally and noticed that there was a gap in the market of businesses meeting this need. 
 
They say that need is the mother of invention, … At AfterLight, our goal is to provide overwhelmed executors with practical, personalized support. We’re on a mission to help the living deal with dying, fostering lighter hearts and lighter loads. AfterLight assists clients in managing the unavoidable administrative tasks associated with after loss and legacy planning. Whether you’re facing an unexpected loss or want to prepare your legacy so your family can grieve in peace and settle your affairs with ease, AfterLight is the answer to your overwhelm. 

After my own experiences with loss, [...] I struggled to manage all the unavoidable administrative tasks that accompany aging, end-of-life, and after loss.

Goodwin: An interesting parallel between your work at AfterLight and the act of Artifcting is that both are about human behavior and habits. If we want better outcomes, we have to take steps proactively to do something about it, whatever the “it” is. What do you find are the one or two most challenging steps for people to take in terms of planning and preparedness? 
 
Donnelly: In my opinion, the primary challenge is our discomfort with the fact that we know how this ends – i.e., that we’re all going to die someday. Therefore, many people avoid thinking about it or taking action, as though doing so might somehow become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 
 
The second challenge is that organizing one's affairs can be overwhelmingly complex, because people don’t really understand how it works and therefore, it's easy to be unaware of all of the steps they need to take to not leave a flaming dumpster fire for their family. Along the same vein, legacy planning is often filled with misconceptions. I've come across various attitudes, from "My kids are smart, they'll figure it out," to "My estate isn't significant enough to warrant planning," or even "I'll be dead and won't care."

I've come across various attitudes, from "My kids are smart, they'll figure it out," to "My estate isn't significant enough to warrant planning," or even "I'll be dead and won't care."

Goodwin: So, it is Make-a-Will month. Obviously, some people don’t even have wills (yet), while others simply need to update their wills. But there are also those of us who have wills that check the box only. Wills can and should do more to help people through grief by very intentionally addressing legacy, memories, and even anticipated points of … ahem, contention … among family members and other heirs. In your view, how can folks take a good, better, best approach to life preparedness this month? 
 
Donnelly: I believe that approaching life preparedness with intentionality and strategy, rather than simply treating it as a checklist of documents, leads to a more comprehensive and meaningful end-result. 
 
When working with our clients one-on-one, we take on the roles of accountability partner, coach, and organizer. Our aim is to help our clients to explore critical questions they may not have considered, procrastinated on, or underestimated the importance of. Some of these important questions include:

    • If you do have estate planning documents (such as a will, trust, financial power of attorney, and advance directives for healthcare), does your family know how to access them? Where are these documents located?
    • Have you shared the unlock codes for your phone and computer with a trusted contact?
    • Are your beneficiaries correctly designated and up to date?
    • Do your loved ones know your funeral wishes?
    • Have you communicated with your family about who will inherit specific items of personal property and when? (Hello! Get going on Artifcts!)
    • There’s no better solution to convey what everything is, what it means to you and your family, and WHY you are gifting it to the person you’ve chosen.)
    • Does your family have a clear understanding of your debts and assets, including a comprehensive list?

@rbdonne is a "family keeper" for family heirlooms big and small.

Vintage oak icebox by stairwell in modern home

 
 
 
 
A vintage oak icebox and cricket cage, each brought forward through generations. Click an image to view on Artifcts.

An antique cricket cage

By addressing these questions and actively engaging in the planning process, we can each achieve a more well-rounded and thoughtful approach to securing our legacies and ensuring our loved ones are better prepared for the future. And who knows, you might even have some fun in the process, especially if you share as you go via Artifcts.

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You may also enjoy these additional ARTIcles by Artifcts:

Gift Your Loved Ones a "Why"

What Have You Done for Your Legacy Lately?

Storytellers, Beware!

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© 2023 Artifcts, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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So Much 'Stuff:' How They Suck Us In and How We Can Resist!

Careful what you ask for. In his book “Stuffocation,” author James Wallman details how in the post-industrial revolution US economy of the 1920s and 1930s, there was too much of everything, everything produced by farmers to industrial machines. We overachieved! Rather than produce less, the goal became getting consumers to buy more, even if they had enough. Advertisers had to up their games.

The trick was how to get people to lose the “lasts a lifetime” expectation and develop a desire for the newest version, model, or edition that industry was now only too happy to churn out. The fashion industry already exemplified this and now the rest had to catch on, landfills be damned, and provide cheaper, disposable, fashionable everything. 

Fast forward 100 years and the "buy more" concept has persisted and matured, leaving no industry untouched. Here are a few examples to get you thinking like the advertisers do. 

GADGETS.

Millions regularly trade in their favorite gadget—whether a phone, tv, fitness tracker, or otherwise—for the next model the moment it’s released, waiting in line to ensure they are the earliest of adopters. And tech's just the obvious example.  

COLORS!

Have you thought about why there are “colors of the year” and “of the season” that pop up in your feeds and inboxes, often with seasonally suggestive names, like “breezy blue?” All the companies fall in line with their similar version of the “it” blue of the season, until it’s suddenly a beautiful gem green and yet again you rethink your clothing and home decor choices. 

DESIGN CONCEPTS.

Design concepts trend just like colors. Recently “glaze” has popped up on hot pink garments from Lulu Lemon and green frames from Framebridge. This is not to be outdone by “scalloped” edges on picture frames from Archival Methods, mirrors and tables from School House, and toilet paper from Charmin. Product and marketing experts know how to get modern buyers to buy. 

MATCHING SETS AND COMPOSITIONS.

Here’s yet another reason to buy – sets. Whether that’s a matching clothing set or a gallery wall of frames, moving you to buy not one, not a set, but MORE all at once. I mean, the picture shows 10 frames make a gallery, so I guess I need one of each, right? 

Maybe these tactics do not sway you. You have a certain style, and you stick to it. Timeless. Functional. You! What about ...

ENTICING DISCOUNTS.

... the sneaky “up to 30%” off offers? Have you fallen for those? You browse or click and nearly nothing you’re interested in is 30% off, just a tactically chosen few which you overlook as you accelerate through the checkout process because you are already there in the store or your credit card or other digital payment means is already available on your phone or laptop. 

6 Strategies to Help You Muffle the Calls to Buy

In honor of Earth Day that was celebrated on Monday, and in recognition of our general philosophy here at Artifcts that you should stop and smell the roses more often when it comes to your ‘stuff’ to appreciate what you have and why you have it, we’ve curated some easy tactics you can use to halt more stuff from coming into your home.

1. Unsubscribe. (Yes, catalogs, too. Check out options). Have you heard of that movie from 80s, "See No Evil, Hear No Evil?" That's the idea. If you are not seeing those emails and notifications, you are so far ahead of the game. Worried you’ll miss a sale? Set a reminder to check back when you know they usually have sales. Or simply sign up again later if you truly miss seeing their emails. 

2. Delete payment methods. Unless you are on a recurring payment plan that requires a purchase, delete and/or do not save any payment information anywhere. Make it inconvenient to make that purchase. You’ll have to get up out of your seat to get that credit card, giving you time to think again. 

3. Work ahead for sales. You’re a deal hunter. Fabulous. So are we. Save items to your shopping cart weeks before that next big sale. In the US, big sales are like clockwork on major holidays. By preloading items to your cart, you have time to think on it. When you return weeks later you might discover that at least some of those items are not as “must have” as you first thought. 

4. Visualize where it will go, where and when you will wear it. Maybe you love a beautiful, framed picture, a side table, a cool clock, a dazzling watch, or a “travels-beautifully” dress. Pause to think, where exactly will I hang this picture in my home? Where will this table fit? You already have a watch. Why do you need or want this one? 

5. Keep savings goals front and center. Do you have debt to pay down? A big trip you’re dreaming about? What about ambitions for a lower stress summer with the kids in camps they’ll love? Keep photos of your goals around you. Track your savings each week. Or add to your savings each time you resist a purchase as a reward toward your goal, even if it’s only skipping that espresso. Whatever it takes for you, remember the thrill of that purchase might be short-lived compared to your still more thrilling goals. 

6. Skip “{fill in the blank} math.” Here’s a recent example of this straight from our teenage daughters and their talk about “girl math.” Normally the swim tops and bottoms are individually $30 but there’s a buy one-get one sale. Dear daughter picked out a swim set and said, “Awesome, I have $30 more dollars to spend.” On something, anything, no idea what, but let’s go spend! Sigh.

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We feel better already, reminding ourselves of these strategies. We're not turning over a minimalist leaf or shaming anyone for enjoying a bit of shopping. But we do hope your buying does not lessen anything else in your life, from enjoying your home to taking those trips of a lifetime you save for and remember always.

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© 2024 Artifcts, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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Going Green. With Artifcts. 2024 Edition

We’re back with the 2nd edition of our “Going Green. With Artifcts.” guide to celebrate Earth Day 2024. If you missed our 1st edition, download it here.

What makes our guide unique is its focus on items with potential sentimental value. What to do with those ‘things’ that have a story, memory, or special moment behind them but have outlived their useful life-span (to you!). We recommend you Artifct the items and their stories before you let them go. 

Partial view of the Going Green with Artifcts guide

 
 
Click the image to download your copy. And use the hyperlinks in the guide to learn more.

That means we do not usually cover plastic servingwear, leftover building supplies, unused paints and the like. It is true that you might struggle to part with a box of acrylic paints that belonged to your brother who was an artist. And yes, that could make for an amazing Artifct when paired with a story about him and photos of his artistic works. But we’ve tried to feature items we know have been Artifcted many times over and may also be in need of a green-friendly next life.

Surprise Inside Our Guide

We were delighted to include two companies whose founders we have met over the course of building Artifcts. One is Ephemera Search and is well-known in genealogy circles for the unique value it brings to family history research through postcards, telegrams, and letters. The other is the LooseEnds Project, a non-profit bringing the power of volunteers at a global scale to complete textiles projects our loved ones were unable to finish.  

This year’s guide also includes a nod to Artifcts®’ new partnership with Susan G. Komen®. During acute and chronic healthcare events alike, we tend to accumulate medical supplies that sometimes cost us a pretty penny even if we need them for only days, weeks, or months. Then what? We’ve found one resource specific to breast cancer to answer that question. 

We hope all the featured resources will help or inspire you as you keep the memories, not the stuff... and stay green friendly in the process!

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© 2024 Artifcts, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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Swedish Death Cleaning Your Digital Legacy

Reading time: 7 minutes 

Swedish Death Cleaning provides a conceptual framework to encourage us each to organize and declutter our homes to reduce the burden on loved ones who would otherwise need to sift through 1000s of objects one day when we’re no longer here. We might be some of the biggest fans of Margareta Magnusson, who introduced the concept in her book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, that she’s never met.💗 We all can understand and maybe even relate to the concept but having a term for it gives us a starting point to act on it! 

Artifcts is your best-in-class Swedish Death Cleaning app. It’s a big reason why we write on and provide workshops related to this topic. Today we’re considering Swedish Death Cleaning from yet another angle: Your digital legacy.

Defining “Digital Legacy” 

What ARE we talking about, “digital legacy?” 

Good question! Because, no, in this context, it is not about the entirety of your online life or digital assets, e.g. banking, mortgages, insurance policies, investments, or similar. All critical! All should be a part of your estate plan and/or will. You should also invest in an online digital vault to corral it together, benefit from automated and smart reminders, and enjoy the ease of sharing securely or accessing it yourself in an emergency.

Announcement for Digital Legacy Workshop from AfterLight

 
 
Take a deep dive! Our friends at AfterLight have a new workshop offering expert guidance on organizing and securing your digital estate. Register today.

What we are talking about with "digital legacy" are the digital items that reflect our lives and personal histories as well as who we are as members of families and communities. 

What makes up your digital legacy depends in part on your age as well as your personality and views. Some of us have chosen not to adopt certain aspects of digital life or have intentionally created the smallest digital footprint possible. Others of us go big online for personal and professional reasons. 

Below we’ll provide a framework to help you get started as you organize and maybe declutter your own digital legacy to ensure its best chance of meaning and survival!

What: Take Inventory 

Literally pause, grab a piece of paper or digital notebook, and start jotting down your digital footprint. Yes, you might need to wander your home, pull out some bins, open some drawers, but this is the easy part. We’ll help you get started. Do you or other household members have any of these? 

      • Digital music and/or movie libraries, including media that’s natively digital and any you might have digitized when you, oh, let’s say, “decluttered” that VHS, DVD, or CD collection. 
      • Photographs, again, digital native photos from your phone, most likely, and those pics you have scanned or otherwise digitized over time. 
      • Social media posts, and before those, your blogs 
      • Academic and professional research, including publications, patents, and even genealogy, family history, and DNA information.  
      • NFTs and other digital works stored, for example, in your digital wallet(s).

Where: As Tech has Changed, Storage has Changed 

Before cell phones were our go-to video recorders, there were small handheld versions that were wow’ing, because they had great quality and storage for the time, and were many times smaller than those you held with a strap in one hand or the ones that were so big that they sat on your shoulder. Did you ever download all the videos on your digital handheld camera? Treasures untold may be waiting. 

Think creatively through all the digital tech you’ve used and held onto through the years when you consider where your files may be resting, and in some cases, actively degrading. 

Bulk stashes via old and new hardware.

As time has gone on, we’ve been able to more cheaply and conveniently store massive volumes of data on those things and yet you might be surprised how little you actually saved to some. One of our Arti Community members told us she has 15 thumb drives that each contain three songs her daughter recorded during her spring and fall piano recitals.

Dig out those thumb drives, memory cards that may still be in old cameras or spare cases, disks (floppy, hard, and otherwise), and flash drives. Environmental implications aside, harvesting and storing those digital files together, and backed up in a second location, is a relatively easy, cheap, and fast undertaking. Hurray! 

Desktop and laptop hard drives. 

Hopefully before you donated or recycled old computers, you saved the contents somewhere else, a flash drive, your preferred cloud environment, or your new computer, perhaps. Wherever it went, take stock. And watch out if your employer is okay with you using your work device for personal use, too, as you may have some gems on those devices. 

“The Cloud,” e.g. Google Drive, Box, Drop Box, and Permanent, among others. 

You may have gotten on a kick and started storing stuff within a particular environment because a friend or family member was sharing stuff with you there and you followed suit. But what are you using nowadays? Consider if your habits have changed and you need to rescue files from various cloud locations and move to one central archive for storage. 

Memberships, especially apps and websites you love or loved once upon a time.

If you are worried you might not remember them all, you have some options.  

Option A. Checking billing statements is the best starting point. We hope you’re not paying for something you haven’t used in years. While simpler than scrolling through your email for pages, this still gets messy if you are using many different payment methods (credit cards, PayPal, etc.) and/or other household members might be paying via a family account. So, option B ...  

Option B. Go to the apps lists on your phone, tv, and computer. What’s installed? Are you paying for it? While you’re in there, check which have location, contact, notification, and background refresh services turned on. You might want to lock down your privacy! Bonus Tip: For Apple (iOS) mobile users, you can go to your Settings -> Click on your name/circle at the top -> and click “Subscriptions.” You may find surprises there, too! 

Take a moment to consider first what content do (or did) you create or upload to these memberships that you own and can potentially download to back up elsewhere and/or to then close your account. Then, if you want to keep the account open and have backed up the content, check the account’s settings for legacy contact and/or memorialization options and set yours up so you do not lose anything you created or upload to that membership. You also will then hoepfully avoid falling into a scenario in which inactivity grants the company via its terms and conditions the right to delete your data or use your data in a way you do not support.

Best Practice call out box

Now What: What Do You Value Most? What Do “They” Value Most? 

Life comes with inherent limits. Only so much time in a day, money in our accounts, bandwidth in our brains. We must choose carefully how we spend our resources. What matters to you will help you prioritize how you manage your digital legacy. 

Here are three steps you can take to manage your digital legacy. These are not mutually exclusive! Start at ‘good,’ add in ‘better,’ and laugh, enjoy, and gain peace of mind with ‘best.’

Good. Inventory the items and put physical storage devices, e.g. flash drives, in a fire-safe place. Get rid of what you don’t want. This might mean recycling some tech (options exist!) and cleaning out files. But before you get too aggressive with that decluttering, ASK loved ones if they are interested in the types of materials you are ready to shed. You may be surprised what matters to them versus to yourself! This will help you with the next option.

Better. Digitize items with backups and share access to those resources with loved ones. This is now moving into prime Swedish Death Cleaning territory where we have not just organized but we’ve also decluttered in a way that’s potentially meaningful. Loved ones get the option to raise their hand and say, “Yes, that I want.” And the beauty here is it is digital. It won’t take up physical space so it’s less risky for them to say yes.

Best. While we all love photos, videos, and documentary evidence of cool things, like being the mastermind behind a patent, without context, even digital items become clutter we ignore. Here’s the story of one family’s “great” discovery. Whether your format is Artifcts, scrapbooks, or photobooks, find a medium to gift your loved ones a ‘why’ and not just more digital stuff. What is the story behind this photo? In layman's speak, what was this amazing scientific breakthrough in this patent that bears your name? What did it mean to you

Let us know about your progress. What was the easy part? Are you stuck on any specific digital histories of yours? What was the outcome? 

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More from Artifcts on Swedish Death Cleaning: 

The Joys of Swedish Death Cleaning 

Swedish Death Cleaning a Marriage After Death or Divorce 

How Swedish Death Cleaning Helps During a Move

© 2024 Artifcts, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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