Genealogy for the New, the Frustrated, and the Reluctant: Our Conversation with a Professional

Audrey and her mother have always had a tricky relationship. While some people talk about the teenage years being strained, their relationship was strained from the very first sleepless nights when Audrey was a baby. Beyond the love lived a mix of frustration, embarrassment, and distrust that only worsened as Audrey grew older.

At the heart of it all, in Audrey’s view, is a legacy of too much stuff. She never invited friends to her home because she was embarrassed by the chaos of her mother’s clutter throughout their home. She didn’t even enjoy spending time there unless she stayed in her room, behind a locked door, where her mother’s stuff could not invade.

Now as an adult, she and her children visit her mom several times a year, and in each visit her mom attempts to gift her boxes of things she’s been saving for her. But in Audrey’s words, “I am going through boxes of nightmare. Nightmare! She’s blocking me with a bunch of s***.”

And there you have it – for Audrey the stuff creates a barrier between her and her mother, depriving her of the relationship she wants for herself and her children.

And who can blame her? Don’t we all want more than a cardboard box of memories?

As adult children begin looking at their parents’ homes with fresh eyes, they wonder: Is it safe? Is it healthy? And, someday, will it fall to them to clean it all out and decide what goes, what stays, and who gets it next? What was once their parents’ problem may soon become their own.

And guess what? The adult kids are not having it. We hear from them every week at ​Artifcts​, when they express with a dose of disbelief the fact their parents are in no rush to downsize all that ‘stuff.'

Of course, the sense that a parent is a hoarder, “But not really, or maybe just a light hoarder,” is just a broad brushed way of saying it’s too much to deal with and they need help. And not all stories are as negative as Audrey’s story.

Patrick wrote to us to share that he was raised by two parents who loved him unconditionally and taught him to appreciate what it meant to be a collector. This passion sparked an interest in the arts that has carried through to his career as a museum curator.

But as his parents aged and declining health became a more pressing issue, Patrick told us, “What once appeared to be connoisseurship soon looked more like hoarding as I started sifting through their pieces.” He went on, “It was TRAUMATIZING, having to figure this all out for them, let alone do so at the age when most of my peers weren’t even remotely close to being confronted with these types of issues.”

Join us in today’s ARTIcles story as we peel back the worry and fear of adult children who have parents who have enjoyed collecting and accumulating ‘stuff.’ We’ll explore hoarding disorder in more detail and share strategies to help adult children navigate their parents and themselves to safer ground.

What is Hoarding? (And What is It Not?) 

Much as nostalgia historically was misunderstood, so too has hoarding gone through an evolution in science and the mainstream.

Hoarding has been clinically studied for decades, but public awareness only surged after the TV show Hoarders premiered in 2009. Until then, most people had never witnessed the severity and dangers of hoarded living spaces. Academic research—particularly work by Dr. Mary E. Dozier and Dr. Catherine R. Ayers—underscores how object attachment intensifies as we grow older, further emphasizing the profound emotional and psychological factors that drive hoarding behaviors.

DSM-5 CRITERIA FOR HOARDING DISORDER

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the reference guide mental health professionals use to support diagnoses of psychiatric conditions, classifies hoarding disorder (HD) under obsessive-compulsive and related disorders. The DSM describes a person who has “persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, regardless of their actual value. This difficulty is due to a perceived need to save the items and to the distress associated with discarding them.”

Importantly, the DSM-5 states that hoarding impairs a person’s ability to use their spaces and the items within as they intended. As Audrey’s earlier story illustrates, it can also cause “clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupation, or other important areas of functioning (including maintaining a safe environment safe for oneself or others.)” What does this look like in real life? It ranges from health hazards like vermin infestations or blocked exists, to emotional stress and family conflict.

Studies show that hoarding behaviors worsen over time, particularly as older adults develop stronger attachments to personal belongings (Dozier & Ayers, 2020). By the time a family member recognizes the problem—by the telltale overwhelming accumulation of stuff—the condition has deepened and evolved and may be linked to other conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and ADHD.

If you suspect hoarding disorder, experts recommend seeking a mental health evaluation. Professional help can involve therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), sometimes combined with medications to address any co-occurring conditions, such as depression or anxiety. Resources for help are provided at the end of this article.

NO, THAT’S NOT "HOARDING"

You might be wondering then, where is that line between disorder and, well, not!

It’s important to recognize that hoarding is not the same as collecting, even if that means multiple and/or large, usually well-organized, collections throughout a home.

Notice the word “organized” inserted there? That’s because collections are further distinguishable from clutter. According to the DSM, clutter is “a large group of usually unrelated or marginally related objects piled together in a disorganized fashion in spaces design for other purposes (e.g. tabletop, floor, hallway).”

Collectors often systematically organize and proudly display their collections (e.g., stamps, vinyl records, or figurines). These items may have monetary or sentimental value, but they typically do not obstruct the normal use of living spaces.

In contrast, hoarded items are often:  

• • • Randomly piled or disorganized 
    • Kept “just in case” but rarely accessed/used 
    • Spreading into spaces needed for daily living (e.g., kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms).

In addition to collections being organized, the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) highlights the importance of the location of the collections as opposed to clutter, too. Clutter accumulated in your basement and attic is commonplace, as both locations are the typical catchalls and storage solutions in homes.

The key questions are:

• • • Does the stuff interfere with daily life and cause distress, for the individual and their family?  
    • Are they able and willing to part with items, whether through giving them to a loved one, selling, donating, or disposing of them?

Hoarding Disorder and Insights for “Non-Hoarders”

"Well, my parents aren't hoarders but nearly!" Generally adult children who describe their parents ​offhand ​as “hoarders” do not mean it. Rarely do their parents actually have hoarding disorder, and they know it. But the fear of all that ​‘​​s​​tuff’ is real​.

Finding a foothold in the chaos is important as is a path forward. We spoke with experts in hoarding disorder to elicit strategies and lessons for those adult kids ready to take steps toward a better future for their parents, however defined, and feel less like Don Quixote in the process. While we are talking about adult children, these strategies are adaptable to all with a little imagination.

Insights from 25 Years in the Field, with Melissa Autry

Melissa Autry, CSA, CPO, CPO-CD, is a Hoarding Remediation Expert and industry advocate who has been working with people who have HD for more than 35 years. It makes one wonder, who was her mentor back then, when awareness of never mind specialization in this disorder was surely lacking! And sure enough, she told us she had to invent her own job title.

Melissa specializes in safety and habitability, often working in extreme environments. She reminds families: 

"Every case is different because every person's relationship with their stuff is different." 

“It’s not only about the amount of stuff or the loss of use of the home. It’s about a person’s emotional equity with their possessions. Nine times out of ten, they’re not working with a mental health professional. Sometimes, the safety issues outweigh the mental health need—ask any firefighter! According to the Massachusetts Department of Fire Services, hoarding was a factor in 24% of fatal residential fires between 1999 and 2009. While both matter, a compromised structure takes priority when there is an immediate risk of loss of life.” 

Hoarding remediation is hazardous work, often requiring hazmat suits to handle biohazards, mold, pests, and toxic materials. But Melissa believes that every case is an opportunity to improve someone’s quality of life—and sometimes, even save a life (people and pets). 

She also emphasizes that while health and safety come first, personal contents matter, too—especially irreplaceable items like photos, letters, and memorabilia:

“There may be some really happy, healthy stories out there—and I love those. But our phone rings when nothing else has worked, when families are overwhelmed, and when they don’t even know how to start the conversation.” 

“We tell stories through our stuff and experiences. I look at personal belongings like the gift shop at the adventure park—Our Life!"

Here is Melissa’s top advice for all of you adult children and families, distilled into 8 key points:

1. Every adult child is like an only child. 
No two siblings experience a parent the same way. Each child has a unique relationship with their parent based on individual experiences, personalities, and past interactions. What works for one won’t necessarily work for another. 

2. The parent-child dynamic evolves—sometimes painfully.
To a parent, you are always 12 years old—frozen in time. To an adult child, your own life experiences have shaped who you are, making it difficult to fit back into old roles. As your parent ages and needs help, the roles can slowly reverse—where you find yourself parenting your parent. This shift can be emotionally complex, especially if the original relationship was strained. 

3. Delayed trauma responses and emotional triggers are real.
If your relationship with your parent was unhealthy or complicated, stepping into a caregiving role can be extremely triggering. It may stir up old wounds, unresolved conflicts, or memories of neglect and emotional distress. Yet now your parent needs help, and navigating these emotions can be really rough. 

4. Understand the emotional attachment to items.
Ask about meaningful objects before pushing for decluttering. Building trust is the goal—not forcing change.

5. Appraisals can shift the conversation.
Assigning a monetary value can help separate financial worth from emotional worth (emotional equity) and clarify whether an item should be kept, sold, donated, or discarded. 

6. Avoid “overhelping.”
Pushing too hard can backfire, making your loved one more resistant instead of more willing. Overhelping is a lose/lose scenario—both parties end up frustrated. 

7. Recognize shifting roles.
The evolving dynamic between parent and adult child can feel unfamiliar and unsettling. You may no longer have anything in common other than the fact that you were both present during your childhood. Understanding this shift helps manage expectations and reduces emotional strain. 

8. Practice self-care.
Decluttering a loved one’s home can be emotionally exhausting. While the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished” may ring true, caregiver fatigue is real. Everyone involved—parents, adult children, and professionals—benefits when a structured plan is in place with both a Plan A and Plan B. 

• Mental Health Support for Adult Children 

Melissa also encourages adult children to consider their own mental health as they support parents who are downsizing their lifetime of belongings. “It’s a stressful and emotionally taxing experience. Adult children often benefit from speaking with mental health professionals, not just for the parent’s well-being, but also for their own emotional resilience.”  

Melissa recommends online platforms like BetterHelp or in-person therapists who can provide coping strategies, stress management, and guidance for navigating complex family dynamics. You can find these and other resources at the end of this article.

Lessons Beyond the TV Show Hoarders, with Matt Paxton

We also sat down with someone who came into the HD specialty with a more public flare, so to speak. Matt Paxton, best known for his 15 seasons on Hoarders, has spent nearly 25 years helping families declutter. His philosophy? 

“Keep the memories, lose the stuff," which happens to also be the title of his book.

In Paxton’s newest venture, Clutter Cleaner, he trains professionals in practical strategies drawn from his extensive field experience, including his work individuals with hoarding disorder and their families. He emphasizes the following lessons: 

Start Small. 
Overwhelming someone with big demands will likely cause them to shut down. Smaller, more manageable steps are far more effective in building trust and momentum. It's not about what you get done, it's about getting started and keeping going.

Prioritize Safety. 
Clear pathways, remove fire hazards, and focus on habitability first. A safe environment is the foundation for any further progress.

Use Humor. 
Hoarding can be emotionally heavy. Lightening the mood at appropriate moments keeps everyone engaged and reduces tension.

Focus on Progress, Not Perfection.
Any step forward—no matter how small—is a significant victory. Perfection is neither realistic nor necessary for positive change. “Focus on what you have achieved, not on what is yet to be completed. Mindset is everything,” says Matt.

Encourage Mental Health Support. 
Professional help, such as therapy or support groups, is key to lasting success. Forced cleanouts without psychological support fail to address the root causes of hoarding disorder and are never successful. “In my 20+ years of cleaning out hoarded homes,” said Matt, “if the client doesn't receive some sort of therapy, the clean-out fails 100% of the time.” 

Remember, you need not be alone in this work, parsing through the belongings of a loved one. Resources abound to help you from these tips to the linked resources below.

###

HOARDING DISORDER AND OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT RESOURCES

Ultimately, knowledge, compassion, and structured professional intervention remain the most powerful tools to transform a household overrun by possessions into a home that fosters well-being for everyone involved. By recognizing the clinical realities of hoarding disorder, seeking professional guidance, and approaching loved ones with empathy, adult children can create a pathway toward safer homes and healthier relationships.

• • • International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) - Hoarding
    • Institute for Challenging Disorganization (ICD)
    • National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO)
    • BetterHelp – Online mental health platform connecting individuals with licensed professionals

© 2025 Artifcts, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Sunny Morton may be best known for her public speaking and writing in the world of genealogy, but she is also a self-taught quilter. And while she credits YouTube with her skills, the creativity, technical prowess, and perseverance this craft demands really suggest her quilting skills say more about her than any online video.  

We love origin stories and now having watched Sunny Artifct and share quilt after quilt on Artifcts (@SJM), we were excited on this National Quilting Day to give you all a glimpse into one quilter’s hobby and the heart and story behind her craft. No artist’s journey is like another, and you’ll discover below the heart connection in every quilt she makes. 

The Origins of a Quilter

“I got started six years ago with a t-shirt quilt for my oldest son when he graduated from high school. Well, not just t-shirts, I suppose. I worked in his varsity school letters, too. He loved it and took it away with him when he moved out,” Sunny recalled, before smiling and offering a self-critique. “I used the wrong kind of stabilizer, so the shapes turned out a bit wonky. But I’ve gotten better, way better!”  

With three kids to practice creating those t-shirt quilts, Sunny had plenty of t-shirts to experiment. The second one was for her son Alex’s high school graduation.

“He is an engineering student with an artistic mind, so he helped design his quilt,” she said. “He played on the same soccer team for years, so he made the repetition in the quilt blocks more interesting by making those blocks smaller and lining them up together. He has variously gone by his first and middle names—John and Alex—so one clever block combines three different shirts to spell out his entire name. And I definitely did a better job on the quilting.” 

In Sunny’s most recent t-shirt quilt for her youngest, her daughter Seneca, not only did she get the stabilizers right, phew, but the materials she had to work with made for a unique design, too.  

“It’s all a single-color scheme because my daughter wanted me to use only the shirts and skirts from her school uniforms. I integrated the woven plaid skirt pieces and sewed down the pleats to add texture. It’s gorgeous.” 

We agree!

And thus, in just three quilts, you’ve learned a bit about Sunny and what connects her to her art. But why quilting? Read on! 

An Artist Emerges to Meet Life's Challenges

Let’s face it, YouTube videos will only get you so far in your artistry. Hands on instruction and comradery fill in critical knowledge gaps for any artist. Frankly, that’s true across professions. Can you imagine a surgeon who has never laid hands on a patient under the direction of an experienced surgeon?  

In Sunny’s case, her hands-on training came through quilting retreats with women who were generally much older than her and, notably, retired.

“They’d look at my work and say, ‘Um, let’s try that differently,’” said Sunny with a laugh. “They were so generous with their knowledge and opinions, for better and worse.” 

For Sunny, quilting became a way to connect with her family and other quilters as she’d slowly gather the materials for her quilts and dream of future designs. But it also became an outlet to manage the many stresses in her life, a life with complex health challenges surrounding her and her loved ones, as well as her grief for those she’s lost.   

“When my brother passed away unexpectedly, I holed up in my house for a year, creating two quilts for his daughters. It was cathartic. I needed that tangible outlet for my grief and to feel connected to him and to my nieces.” 

Sunny was quick to point out that it’s not only the cathartic nature of quilting that drives her. She also treats her time quilting as a reward in a busy season of life.  

Sunny works as a professional genealogy educator and content creator, in addition to being a wife, mother, and caregiver. So, when she’s working a lot of hours—never in her craft room—quilting is the reward waiting at the end of the day. With piles of textiles lying in wait, she can sink into her passion and emerge from the other side refreshed and with something to show for it, too.

A Family Honor: The Fundraiser Quilt 

Sunny’s quilting life is still in its early innings and yet it already has a happy interlude. Her family has a unique enduring tradition that’s all about THE quilt. For decades, her husband’s grandmother crafted a quilt each year to raffle off at the family reunion every Labor Day weekend. The proceeds help fund the following year’s gathering.

In the summer of 2023, Grandma announced her retirement. And she decreed that Sunny would be the future family quilter. “It was a ‘gasp’ sort of moment,” recalled Sunny, “Intimidating but what an honor. I thought long and hard about what this family would want. They are very patriotic and with a lot of veterans in the mix. Ultimately, I chose to quilt a compilation of American flags.” 

This quilt was unlike any other Sunny had created. Maybe it was the intense desire to win over Grandma (and the rest of the family), maybe she was ready for the challenge, or maybe it was both of those combined with an artist’s eye for something truly unique.  

No matter the motivation, the result was beautiful. “One of the family’s veterans, Nathan, bought so many tickets, he was sure he would win. At the very last moment, a cousin’s wife who had arrived late purchased her tickets—and she won! She is also a caregiver for a loved one with special needs, and I admire her. It was both funny and touching to see her beat out Nathan.” 

“And then when I got home, I made Nathan a smaller version and sent it to him as a surprise.”  

What will Sunny create next? You can follow her on Artifcts (@SJM) to see for yourself! 

Happy Artifcting! And happy quilting.

###

© 2025 Artifcts, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Have you heard of aspirational clutter? It’s the stuff you buy, collect, or otherwise hold onto with intention of some future use. Or maybe it's for some future version of you and the life you plan to lead.

Aspirational clutter can exist anywhere and everywhere in your home. Take the kitchen, for example. How many cookbooks, special pans, unique spices, and gorgeous serving vessels do you keep with the intention of expanding your cooking repertoire and hosting more events in your home?

For others, many many others, the bedroom closet is an absolute magnet for aspirational clutter. For this reason, you even commonly find references to this sort of ‘stuff’ in popular books. For example, the NYC-dwelling lead character in best-selling author Jodi Picoult’s book, Wish You Were Here, lamented her inability to let go of her shoebox full of art supplies when she pivoted to a career in art sales with Sotheby’s. But it was not only art supplies.

“The shoebox came with me, still unopened. I set it on the highest shelf of my closet, behind sweatshirts from college I no longer wore but couldn’t bear to donate to Goodwill, and the winter hiking boots I bought but never used, […]”

(By the way, Artifcts is a perfect digital shoebox for the valuable and sentimental items you collect alike.)

Here are more examples of aspirational clutter that find cozy homes in our closets:

• • • Clothing that ties us to a special moment in our own story or we’ve outgrown or matured beyond, but we tell ourselves maybe one day we could wear again.  
    • Accessories, like gorgeous silk ties and cufflinks, clutches and stilettos, and more for fancy events that we never attend. 
    • Everything for the wrong climate. If you live somewhere in which winter’s scarcely a month long and snow is a once in a lifetime event, how many sweaters, sweatshirts, mittens, snow boots and spare down comforters do you actually want to make room for?  You may dream of vacations or a return to cold living, but is storing this all for years if not decades practical? 
    • Kits and crafts, maybe you bought them, maybe they were gifts, but you’ve never picked it up or kept it up. Maybe it’s time to let go in favor of a hobby that is you?

Closet Tales from Texas & Wisconsin

Our co-founder Ellen who lives in the heart of Texas recently emptied every single thing that belonged to her from her master bedroom closet. Her goal was simple: LESS. She reported that she felt depressed by the end by what she saw as so many aspirations unmet as well as waste, articles of clothing barely or never worn, “Because I just never felt good in it or never had the right occasion for it. It's no different than buying framed art for a wall or a pillow for a couch because you love them and then you realize, you really have no space for it.”

As depressing as it was, there were nice moments, too. Ellen saw in her items so many lives she’s lived.

“I literally found a maternity shirt I wore when I was pregnant with my daughter 14 years ago. Ha! I also realized I still owned the suit jacket I wore to my first interview at the CIA nearly 20 years ago. I really thought I had already gotten rid of it.”

When we asked what one tip she has for anyone undertaking a rightsizing of the contents of their closet, she said it was important not to let yourself off the hook. “I was smart to lay it all out on and around our bed because it put a clock on my work. We couldn’t sleep if I didn’t get through it.” Her sorted piles ended up looking like this:

• • • Sell 
    • Donate, “But first you can bet that I Artifcted that suitcoat from my CIA interview!” 
    • Wash and/or repair (and then keep)
    • Keep 
    • Trash 
    • Give to my daughter/neighbor/friend 
    • Recycle, “Especially all those hangers! I was able to return some to my local dry cleaners and the rest to Goodwill. I also marked a bag ‘Textiles for recycling,’ that could not be sold and gave that to Goodwill, too.”

More than 1,000 miles away from Texas, tucked in their new home away from home in chilly Wisconsin, a member of the Arti Community undertook a similar closet downsizing effort recently. But her efforts were precipitated by a change in career and a move from DC to Wisconsin.

Her biggest challenge? What to do with all those formal work clothes! They still fit, that was not the issue, but would she need them now? Suits, heels, and designer handbags, oh my! They meant enough to her to make the move, but now that she was staring at the ever-shrinking space in her new closet, did they warrant the space?

Her silver bullet was unexpected: her husband! Weeks of hemming and hawing, combined with a healthy dose of “do-you-really-plan-to-wear-that-up-here" questions from her husband helped her decide to sell the pieces that were sellable (thank you, The RealReal!) and donate the rest, but not before she Artifcted them. She now has the memories of the clothes, and what they meant to her, safely stored in Artifcts, AND a lot more closet space for all those cold weather necessities.

Before we conclude this ARTIcles edition, we want to know, what items are the tough stuff in your home, the hardest to let go? Please let us know at Editor@Artifcts.com. We'll update you next week on the results!

Happy Artifcting!

###

© 2025 Artifcts, Inc. All Rights Reserved.