There's a fear factor motivating some adult children to prematurely help - some more aggressively and/or cheerfully than others - their parents downsize, whether to downsize and literally move into a smaller home or downsize at home to more minimal possessions. The end goal for these adult children is sort of "Not it!" Do not send all that stuff to me. I don't have room for all my own stuff, never mind your stuff, too.
The question for the parent in this scenario becomes one of legacy - will you leave a burden of stuff, or one of memories, rich with who you were in your lifetime, and who you were together, too? Shared now and shared later, maybe through these stories and memories you’ll help release people from holding onto so much stuff that the stuff becomes that burden the adult children fear, clouding the memories.
Simple everyday objects, with meaning. But will you keep them always, or maybe just the memories?
On that note, meet Sue, a member of the Arti Community. And not just any member. As she approaches her first anniversary with Artifcts, she is also our top Artifcter, surpassing even the founders of Artifcts who had a head start and a natural predilection for Artifcting.
Who is Sue? If you search @Sue on Artifcts, you won't see a single Artifct. We did promise everyone that your Artifcts need not be made public. Everything is private by default, and Sue loves this freedom.
Artifcts co-founder Ellen Goodwin sat down with Sue to learn who she is, what she Artifcts, and most important of all why she Artifcts. It was such a treat to chat with an Arti Community member directly and a fascinating conversation. Enjoy!
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Ellen Goodwin: Hello Sue! We want to know all about you. Who are you, and what brought you to Artifcts?
@Sue: I am a piano teacher. One of my personal collections is miniature pianos. I am also my family’s keeper and a genealogist. I have collections from both sets of grandparents, my parents, and of course my collections as well as my husband’s. This house is like a museum! Name anything, practically, and I probably have something of that.
I keep wanting my daughter to come down to North Carolina and go over things with me. Find out what she wants, and what she’s not interested in so I can do something with it. But there’s never enough time. And my son-in-law really doesn’t want all this stuff. So he gave me Artifcts as a Christmas present last year.
Sue shared this reality with grace and humor. Watch now!
Goodwin: What did you Artifct first?
@Sue: Christmas ornaments! Well, all things Christmas, really. I have heirloom ornaments, multiple Santa Claus figurines, and other items, so before I packed them up last year, I Artifcted them.
Goodwin: And then you continued Articting, focusing on collections or at random?
@Sue: As I have bits of time here and there, I have just started. No particular order. Just what my eyes light on in a moment in time. Sometimes Artifct collections. I laid out all my jewelry one day and enjoyed working my way through it, sometimes Articting pieces individually, sometimes Artifcting collections, like brooches.
I have Artifcted my grandfather’s weapons collection as well, including antique knives, some of which date back to the late 1800s. My grandson caught sight of the knife collection, and was interested, so he’ll inherit them. His great grandfather’s collection!
Goodwin: And we hope you’ll share the “why” behind this knife collection with your grandson, as well as the “why” of all of your own collections, like your pianos!
@Sue: Piano has been a passion of mine for a long time. I found out recently through my genealogical research that my middle name Beth is for Beth of Little Women, the pianist of the family. I don’t remember who gave me my first miniature, but my mother kept adding to it, and then I did eventually, too. Each is very different. Now my senior graduating piano students get to choose one from the collection, a remembrance from me to take with them. I have only Artifcted the very unusual pianos, like one from ivory, another from Dresden. I am Artifcting the ones that are special so my daughter knows which are which.
Goodwin: You told me that you Artifcted a collection of family bibles, nearly a dozen. I’m curious. What’s next for them?
@Sue: I inherited 40 boxes of heirlooms, pictures and genealogy papers, which I am still going through. These bibles were among the boxes and now sit in the open air on top of a family cabinet in my genealogy research room. I love the Cheatham Apocrypha Bible in particular, so that is the one I’ll definitely keep. It’s also the only one that still has the family pages in it. As for the rest, I don’t know what to do with them. I might see if the state genealogy archives wants them.
Goodwin: You have 100s of Artifcts. Are there some really marvelous stories among them that stand out?
@Sue: Yes! Well, it’s all in the eye of the beholder, I guess. I was really surprised to find a lock of Gertrude’s hair. Oh, and great grandfather’s bowler hat. That’s an heirloom with a great story.
@Sue: "I found this in one of the boxes that I inherited (all genealogy based).
With it was a card signed by Gertrude which probably dates to the same year, 1904.
Gertrude Cheatham married August Johnston 24 Apr 1905."
@Sue: This hat belonged to John Mortimer Cheatham who lived in Missouri his whole life (1843-1915).
The hat box is signed by Eugene Scherman of New York, so I imagine this is who made the hat.
Today, Grandmother Gertrude's fox lives with the hat.
Goodwin: How do you Artifct? Do you use the app, a tablet, both?
@Sue: I take the pictures on my phone, because it allows me to skip the step of transferring the photos from my nice camera to my computer. If I want to add more details or long stories, then I edit the Artifcts later on my desktop computer.
Goodwin: Have you tried new features as Artifcts has announced them?
@Sue: There is so much I haven’t fully taken advantage of yet, but I did recently ask for my first estimate from Heritage Auctions with your “What’s it worth?” feature. It was a set of four meerschaum smoking pipes. Each used. They had significant market value!
My daughter and extended family will inherit the items they wish to keep; she can always sell the remaining items. I think it’s important, however, to keep at least some of these things in the family—especially the older things. Maybe someone will choose the pipes.
Goodwin: As the co-founder of Artifcts, I'd be remiss not to ask ... What would you tell those who have yet to Artifct? Why should they do it?
@Sue: Watch and listen to her response! (Or read below.)
It’s mainly the stories about the stuff. Nobody else is going to know what it is. I am trying so hard to get them written down and on Artifcts with the pictures, too, because otherwise once I’m gone, the story is gone. I think it’s important for the children to know what was the most important to me, what meant the most to me, and why.
Now, they may not want to keep it, but if it’s Artifcted, it’s there FOREVER. So, they will always have that memory even though they may not have that item, because who wants 300 miniature pianos?!
And on that note, what's your equivalent of "300 miniature pianos?"
They do say, "The proof is in the pudding," and this weekend my sons found out that Artifcts is the way to get through the 'stuff' and out the other side to the lives they want to be living.
Our mission on Saturday was to clear out a corner of our garage so we could create a small gym for our family. Standing in our way was a bunch of clutter, almost exclusively the sentimental type, and some of which belonged to each member of our family.
I do this for a living, clearing out homes, and knew a few strategies to help us get the job done, and done better. Chief among them is using the Artifcts app to keep track of what goes, what stays, and why it mattered to us.
I kicked off our cleanout effort by Artifcting my old skateboard. My Lance Mountain, Powell Peralta skateboard from 1988. This board was more important to me than most. I saved my money for it, I purchased it, and it was my only means of transportation for two summers.
CLICK THE IMAGE to check out Matt Paxton's Artifct about his childhood skateboard, told while riding said skateboard one last time.
That board has been with me for 35 years. Odds of me riding it again and avoiding serious injury or sudden death are slim. It was time for it to go. Even though I’ve been downsizing other people’s homes for decades, it’s always special when it’s my items, with my kids. I still get excited when they ask me questions about my childhood.
Then it came to boxes belonging to my boys with childhood 'stuff' in it. You know the stuff - ribbons, artwork, school papers. Someone thought it was special and hung onto it but now even my boys only got a laugh out of it and wanted to recycle it. My son Temple was totally into recording the story behind some of his more creative efforts, and photographing it all, before tossing it.
In a humorous and insightful twist of events, when my wife—who has literally written the book on practical minimalism for families—found out we Artifcted Temple's pizza slice and recycled, she was distressed. "No one asked me!" See, it can be hard to let that sentimental stuff go, even for the pros! Artifcts gave her solace.
What could have been a fast, let's ditch everything, so sorry we can't keep it all effort, turned into a great morning together. Beyond great. Did you listen to what he said in his Artifct? Pure gold to this dad.
And we're left with a clear garage space and a collection of new Artifcts to remember it by. In the end, my youngest son said, “This is cool! We should Artifct more ‘stuff’,” and I said, “Yes, Temple. We should.” And we will…
Bottom line: Artifcts works. Try it for you. Try it for them. Try it free today at Artficts.com. Let them know Matt Paxton sent you.
When I went away to college, my parents converted my bedroom into a meditation room for my father. I was the youngest of three, the last to leave, and the only one who had their bedroom immediately transformed into something else entirely. Ironically, mine was also the smallest and had no heating or air conditioning, which you might think would make it the least desirable bedroom of the three to transform. So then, why my room? Simple: I was organized. (Okay, and yes, it was less desirable for company. But play along with us.)
When I went off to school I had “binned-up” all my stuff and donated or otherwise disposed of a lot of stuff I thought I didn’t need anymore. Admittedly I have a bit of regret about that decluttering experience. My whole life I’ve pushed myself and my family to shed stuff, but in doing so, sometimes I was too rash. I didn’t even have a digital camera back then to take a dose of that terrible advice, “Take a picture, and let it go.” The memories vanished.
Today we're sharing three conversations you'll want to have with your kiddos before any extreme makeovers to keep the peace and the memories.
One Conversation: All that 'stuff'
Parents, if you have not done so recently, open the door to your kid’s room, and just take in the 360 view. Do you see their personality blinking at you like neon lights of Las Vegas?
From the papers, posters, paint colors, and collections, you can see their interests, old and new, hobbies, achievements, and more. And all that they love now will get tested and turned on its head as they step into their new lives, whether they are going off to college or entering the labor force. What was cool or amazing or their passion now, may not be in a few short months.
Here are a few questions you could ask to help you start a discussion about all the ‘stuff.’ It's all about understanding what's what:
What do you plan to take with you? TIP! Keep a notepad handy because in this process you might also turn up new items that they need to buy before they go.
Is there anything you aren’t taking that you wish you could?
Are there things we could put into storage or rehome? I may have company stay in here now and then when you’re away, I’d like to make room for them to feel more comfortable.
These {items} are actually quite valuable. I’d recommend you leave them here. Not great for a dorm room.
If we had a fire or a flood, and we needed to grab and go with just a few things, what of your belongings would you want us to take out?
Avoid these common pitfalls as you get started:
Rushing it. The reason we're publishing this article now is because we want to save you from this pitfall. It happens when you either waited until the last minute or allowed only one week in the whole summer to get this done. Either way, rushed decisions are fraught with stress and increase the risk of conflict. Plan ahead.
Ignoring or dismissing sentimental attachments. Are you SURE they do not have a sentimental attachment to things x, y, z, that they are getting rid of? Regret can be so painful. You know your kid. If they are suddenly tossing aside items they have loved, maybe put them into a box you’ll hold for 6 months. Then they can check back in on that box with a different mindset from a different moment in time to ensure they are truly ready to part with its contents.
Ignoring YOUR sentimental attachments. Yes, your turn. If your kid is ready to let go and you are not, that’s on you. Let them know you want to save those items for your own memories and take responsibility for finding a safe place to store them until you are ready to let them go.
Missing out on opportunities to digitize. Digitization is your friend. It cuts down on clutter, provides a backup in case of fire or flood, and makes items accessible 24/7 from anywhere. What can this apply to? Printed photos, certificates, artwork, class notes, posters, projects, greetings cards, yearbooks (and the notes friends leave), and the like.
Losing context. Will your kid ever wear those clothes again? Do they need that sports gear anymore? Life is changing in a big way. Some stuff will no longer be needed in this new life. Let it go to someone who can use it.
‘Disappearing’ things. Resist going through their room after they are gone and make decisions about what goes and what stays. Instead, at most, sort the items, and when they next come home (and after they have caught their breath), ask them to go through the boxes and verify what should go where. No parent wants to ruin a visit by pestering their kid to go through their stuff, so you might also consider taking it in doses. One box per visit? In all likelihood, they are still adjusting to their new life. Cut them a break unless you are in a situation that absolutely compels downsizing.
A Second Conversation: It’s About the Space
This conversation is about love and respect in equal measure, and in both directions – two-way street! And in the process of discussing how you plan to repurpose their room once they move out, you will avoid the surprise factor as well as learn if they have any redlines you can accommodate so they do not feel overwhelmed by change. Here’s one flow that worked for an Arti community member who was launching child number 4 into the wild and that you can adapt to your circumstances:
I love you and you’ll always have a home here and a bed to sleep on.
But I am going to convert your room into a dual-use space. I’ve always wanted to have a place for {whatever purpose}.
When you are home, I’ll happily turn it back over to you. You’ll always have room for your clothes and ‘stuff’ {in this dresser/closet/space}.
This does not mean all your ‘stuff’ has to go. We just need to make room. What can we pack up and:
Send with you?
Store in the closet/attic/basement?
Donate?
Sell?
Are you comfortable if we redecorate or paint the room?
Do want to take any furniture with you, or do want us to keep certain pieces for you in the future?
Before you transform their room, and ideally throughout their childhood, record a video and/or take pictures and Artifct that. It's fun to look back on and remember!
The Penultimate Conversation: The Joy of Connection Through Artifcting
It’s nearly impossible to wander through a room so full of life as a kid’s room and not find yourself tumbling down memory lane. The stories and memories come unbidden. And that’s when you grab your phone, open the Artifcts app, and click record. When the story’s done, add a pic of the relevant object that triggered the memory, and save that Artifct. Now whether that object made the “keep” list or not, the memory is saved, in their own words, and maybe with your side commentary, too!
This is for them
This is for you.
The moments behind everything in their rooms will begin to get fuzzy and fade as they make room for this whole new world they are walking into. Save them now. And besides, as much as they may love Winnie the Pooh, what if he does not make the cut for the dorm room?
Your digital Artifcts provide the memories and comfort of home no matter where you or those physical artifacts are in the world. Feeling connected and grounded when there is so much change is the gift you give them through Artifcting together.
And remember, you can always Artifct for them, too, when they are not around. No two people hold the same memories. You may remember things that they were too young to recall or for which they only remember part of the story. Your memory about an event can be a gift. For example, they know what they experienced when they were in the school musical, the fun they had with friends, the stage fright, and more. YOU know what it was to be in the audience, seeing them on stage for the first time, laughing when they used improv to cover forgotten lines. Let them see it through your eyes too as you Artifct for them.
Have you ever had to clean out the home of a loved one who has passed away?
Have you ever served in the role of executor of an estate for a friend or family member?
In a strange way, if you have not, you’re missing out on life education that has the potential to help you and your family and friends to one day leave behind love, legacy, and memories rather than a “dumpster fire,” as Rachel Donnelly, our friend, founder, and author of Late to Your Own Funeral, has been known to say.
Read on for one family’s true story. We’ve made modifications along the way to protect their privacy.
Honoring a Bachelor’s Legacy
Emily was always close to her cousin Joseph, growing up in neighboring towns, spending many weekends together at the family’s cabin. Time passed, Emily moved away (three towns over), married and started a family, and had a fulfilling career, keeping her busy, but never too busy for her cousin. In contrast, Joseph remained a proud bachelor, well-liked by his neighbors, and ever the humble host.
“Joe’s place was a gathering place. People just showed up with a cooler of drinks to shoot the breeze on his back acres, enjoying the lake view. You could see two dozen different birds just relaxing by the lake.”
Joseph’s affable nature and pride in his numerous collections related to pyrotechnics and war—think Civil War through WWII guns and other historical artifacts—meant he was also well known far beyond his local area.
So, when Emily got the call that Joe had passed away, she sprang to action.
"He joked all the time that I was going to get all his s*** one day, but he was better prepared than you might expect given his other bachelor ways. All of the items in his collections were labeled. And he had shared with me the names of antiques dealers and others he bartered and traded with over the years. I had a head start on what to do with everything valuable.”
We asked Emily, “But where did you even start? How did you know where to start?”
“Well, I’ve seen this movie before, being the executor for my mom’s estate and helping my husband with his sister’s, too, so I knew the basics. And I wasn’t alone.”
Here are Emily’s 5 steps to a DIY estate cleanout, bachelor style:
Step 1. Security. Joe lived out in the country in a modest 2-bedroom rambler, and didn’t really worry about locking his doors. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone looks out for everyone. But of course, Joe’s reputation as a collector was known far and wide. Not only were his collections valuable, but, if improperly handled, some pieces were dangerous. So, as executor, Emily immediately sent a family member to stay at Joe’s home to ensure his belongings were secured.
Step 2. Make it legal. Joe had a Transfer on Death Deed (TODD), otherwise known as a beneficiary deed. As such, because he planned ahead and named Emily to receive his home and all of its contents, in a matter of days the property was legally in her name, neatly nipping a prolonged probate process in the bud.
Step 3. Dust (and tidy). Emily’s lifelong bachelor cousin was not much for cleaning, but this isn’t only about dusting away the cobwebs. His extended dining table was also his home office and the most likely place for her to find bills and statements, her clues to the financial assets and liabilities that were now left to her to sort out. Finding bills to be paid was foremost on her mind. If only this part of his life was as well organized as his war memorabilia!
Step 4. Grief and ‘stuff.’“Joe was always telling stories. He loved history. And because the things he collected had stories, I wanted it all to have good homes. We easily could have gotten a dumpster. But how would that honor Joe’s memory, help his close friends grieve, or have been good for the planet? You can’t just throw it all in a landfill!”
A few weeks after the funeral, Emily arranged for a celebration at Joe’s house. While he had no immediate family, the neighbors, other collectors, and extended family were eager to gather to remember their friend. Emily also invited them to select mementos to remember Joe.
This gathering was then the steppingstone for a broader community initiative to find the right auction houses, antique dealers, and yes, pyrotechnic experts, to liquidate the more valuable (and explosive) assets from Joe’s estate.
“Some things went at auction for only $1 or $5, many more sold in the $50-75 range, and then there were exceptions hitting $2,000 or more. We used Facebook Marketplace, too, because it’s fast, local, and you’re not giving up 20% or more to an auction house.”
Step 5. The dump. Well, not only the dump. Yes, some items were trashed, but they could re-sell steel, aluminum, and copper scraps from Joe’s various projects, recycle electronics, and bring home goods to Habitat for Humanity’s ReStores.
Have a lot of old machines and tech products hanging out? The clutter of modern living! CLICK THE IMAGE to explore our FREE checklist for all things tech and more.
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At the end of our conversation, we took Emily back to the beginning to ask if she had considered hiring a professional to do all this work at any point during the cleanout.
“No. Maybe it’s a trust issue, worrying they’d just toss stuff out. But really, I had the time—I’m retired—I already knew what was what inside his home, and I was not doing the work alone. I had my husband’s support. He could have said, ‘Hell with it, I’m not helping. Just sell the place!’ And Joe’s wide network of friends and neighbors helped at every turn, too.
To tell you the truth, in the end, it feels good.”
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Did you miss our first installment about estate cleanouts? Read it now -->
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