Audrey and her mother have always had a tricky relationship. While some people talk about the teenage years being strained, their relationship was strained from the very first sleepless nights when Audrey was a baby. Beyond the love lived a mix of frustration, embarrassment, and distrust that only worsened as Audrey grew older.
At the heart of it all, in Audrey’s view, is a legacy of too much stuff. She never invited friends to her home because she was embarrassed by the chaos of her mother’s clutter throughout their home. She didn’t even enjoy spending time there unless she stayed in her room, behind a locked door, where her mother’s stuff could not invade.
Now as an adult, she and her children visit her mom several times a year, and in each visit her mom attempts to gift her boxes of things she’s been saving for her. But in Audrey’s words, “I am going through boxes of nightmare. Nightmare! She’s blocking me with a bunch of s***.”
I am going through boxes of nightmare. Nightmare! She's blocking me with a bunch of s***. - Adult child, boxes of childhood memorabilia, at mother's home
And there you have it – for Audrey the stuff creates a barrier between her and her mother, depriving her of the relationship she wants for herself and her children.
And who can blame her? Don’t we all want more than a cardboard box of memories?
So many boxes. What is it all? When did anyone last open them? What will become of them next? Photo credit: Janet Wilson.
As adult children begin looking at their parents’ homes with fresh eyes, they wonder: Is it safe? Is it healthy? And, someday, will it fall to them to clean it all out and decide what goes, what stays, and who gets it next? What was once their parents’ problem may soon become their own.
And guess what? The adult kids are not having it. We hear from them every week at Artifcts, when they express with a dose of disbelief the fact their parents are in no rush to downsize all that ‘stuff.'
Of course, the sense that a parent is a hoarder, “But not really, or maybe just a light hoarder,” is just a broad brushed way of saying it’s too much to deal with and they need help. And not all stories are as negative as Audrey’s story.
Patrick wrote to us to share that he was raised by two parents who loved him unconditionally and taught him to appreciate what it meant to be a collector. This passion sparked an interest in the arts that has carried through to his career as a museum curator.
But as his parents aged and declining health became a more pressing issue, Patrick told us, “What once appeared to be connoisseurship soon looked more like hoarding as I started sifting through their pieces.” He went on, “It was TRAUMATIZING, having to figure this all out for them, let alone do so at the age when most of my peers weren’t even remotely close to being confronted with these types of issues.”
Join us in today’s ARTIcles story as we peel back the worry and fear of adult children who have parents who have enjoyed collecting and accumulating ‘stuff.’ We’ll explore hoarding disorder in more detail and share strategies to help adult children navigate their parents and themselves to safer ground.
What is Hoarding? (And What is It Not?)
Much as nostalgia historically was misunderstood, so too has hoarding gone through an evolution in science and the mainstream.
Hoarding has been clinically studied for decades, but public awareness only surged after the TV show Hoarders premiered in 2009. Until then, most people had never witnessed the severity and dangers of hoarded living spaces. Academic research—particularly work by Dr. Mary E. Dozier and Dr. Catherine R. Ayers—underscores how object attachment intensifies as we grow older, further emphasizing the profound emotional and psychological factors that drive hoarding behaviors.
DSM-5 CRITERIA FOR HOARDING DISORDER
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the reference guide mental health professionals use to support diagnoses of psychiatric conditions, classifies hoarding disorder (HD) under obsessive-compulsive and related disorders. The DSM describes a person who has “persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, regardless of their actual value. This difficulty is due to a perceived need to save the items and to the distress associated with discarding them.”
Importantly, the DSM-5 states that hoarding impairs a person’s ability to use their spaces and the items within as they intended. As Audrey’s earlier story illustrates, it can also cause “clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupation, or other important areas of functioning (including maintaining a safe environment safe for oneself or others.)” What does this look like in real life? It ranges from health hazards like vermin infestations or blocked exists, to emotional stress and family conflict.
Studies show that hoarding behaviors worsen over time, particularly as older adults develop stronger attachments to personal belongings (Dozier & Ayers, 2020). By the time a family member recognizes the problem—by the telltale overwhelming accumulation of stuff—the condition has deepened and evolved and may be linked to other conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and ADHD.
If you suspect hoarding disorder, experts recommend seeking a mental health evaluation. Professional help can involve therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), sometimes combined with medications to address any co-occurring conditions, such as depression or anxiety. Resources for help are provided at the end of this article.
NO, THAT’S NOT "HOARDING"
You might be wondering then, where is that line between disorder and, well, not!
It’s important to recognize that hoarding is not the same as collecting, even if that means multiple and/or large, usually well-organized, collections throughout a home.
Notice the word “organized” inserted there? That’s because collections are further distinguishable from clutter. According to the DSM, clutter is “a large group of usually unrelated or marginally related objects piled together in a disorganized fashion in spaces design for other purposes (e.g. tabletop, floor, hallway).”
Collectors often systematically organize and proudly display their collections (e.g., stamps, vinyl records, or figurines). These items may have monetary or sentimental value, but they typically do not obstruct the normal use of living spaces.
In contrast, hoarded items are often:
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- Randomly piled or disorganized
- Kept “just in case” but rarely accessed/used
- Spreading into spaces needed for daily living (e.g., kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms).
In addition to collections being organized, the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) highlights the importance of the location of the collections as opposed to clutter, too. Clutter accumulated in your basement and attic is commonplace, as both locations are the typical catchalls and storage solutions in homes.
The key questions are:
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- Does the stuff interfere with daily life and cause distress, for the individual and their family?
- Are they able and willing to part with items, whether through giving them to a loved one, selling, donating, or disposing of them?
Hoarding Disorder and Insights for “Non-Hoarders”
"Well, my parents aren't hoarders but nearly!" Generally adult children who describe their parents offhand as “hoarders” do not mean it. Rarely do their parents actually have hoarding disorder, and they know it. But the fear of all that ‘stuff’ is real.
Finding a foothold in the chaos is important as is a path forward. We spoke with experts in hoarding disorder to elicit strategies and lessons for those adult kids ready to take steps toward a better future for their parents, however defined, and feel less like Don Quixote in the process. While we are talking about adult children, these strategies are adaptable to all with a little imagination.
Insights from 25 Years in the Field, with Melissa Autry
Melissa Autry, CSA, CPO, CPO-CD, is a Hoarding Remediation Expert and industry advocate who has been working with people who have HD for more than 35 years. It makes one wonder, who was her mentor back then, when awareness of never mind specialization in this disorder was surely lacking! And sure enough, she told us she had to invent her own job title.
Melissa specializes in safety and habitability, often working in extreme environments. She reminds families:
"Every case is different because every person's relationship with their stuff is different."
“It’s not only about the amount of stuff or the loss of use of the home. It’s about a person’s emotional equity with their possessions. Nine times out of ten, they’re not working with a mental health professional. Sometimes, the safety issues outweigh the mental health need—ask any firefighter! According to the Massachusetts Department of Fire Services, hoarding was a factor in 24% of fatal residential fires between 1999 and 2009. While both matter, a compromised structure takes priority when there is an immediate risk of loss of life.”
Hoarding remediation is hazardous work, often requiring hazmat suits to handle biohazards, mold, pests, and toxic materials. But Melissa believes that every case is an opportunity to improve someone’s quality of life—and sometimes, even save a life (people and pets).
She also emphasizes that while health and safety come first, personal contents matter, too—especially irreplaceable items like photos, letters, and memorabilia:
“There may be some really happy, healthy stories out there—and I love those. But our phone rings when nothing else has worked, when families are overwhelmed, and when they don’t even know how to start the conversation.”
“We tell stories through our stuff and experiences. I look at personal belongings like the gift shop at the adventure park—Our Life!"
Here is Melissa’s top advice for all of you adult children and families, distilled into 8 key points:
1. Every adult child is like an only child.
No two siblings experience a parent the same way. Each child has a unique relationship with their parent based on individual experiences, personalities, and past interactions. What works for one won’t necessarily work for another.
2. The parent-child dynamic evolves—sometimes painfully.
To a parent, you are always 12 years old—frozen in time. To an adult child, your own life experiences have shaped who you are, making it difficult to fit back into old roles. As your parent ages and needs help, the roles can slowly reverse—where you find yourself parenting your parent. This shift can be emotionally complex, especially if the original relationship was strained.
3. Delayed trauma responses and emotional triggers are real.
If your relationship with your parent was unhealthy or complicated, stepping into a caregiving role can be extremely triggering. It may stir up old wounds, unresolved conflicts, or memories of neglect and emotional distress. Yet now your parent needs help, and navigating these emotions can be really rough.
4. Understand the emotional attachment to items.
Ask about meaningful objects before pushing for decluttering. Building trust is the goal—not forcing change.
A curated collection, a curated life, some items valuable, some items sentimental, all items honoring a life lived. Parting with them can be complex and emotional. Photo credit: Janet Wilson.
5. Appraisals can shift the conversation.
Assigning a monetary value can help separate financial worth from emotional worth (emotional equity) and clarify whether an item should be kept, sold, donated, or discarded.
6. Avoid “overhelping.”
Pushing too hard can backfire, making your loved one more resistant instead of more willing. Overhelping is a lose/lose scenario—both parties end up frustrated.
7. Recognize shifting roles.
The evolving dynamic between parent and adult child can feel unfamiliar and unsettling. You may no longer have anything in common other than the fact that you were both present during your childhood. Understanding this shift helps manage expectations and reduces emotional strain.
8. Practice self-care.
Decluttering a loved one’s home can be emotionally exhausting. While the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished” may ring true, caregiver fatigue is real. Everyone involved—parents, adult children, and professionals—benefits when a structured plan is in place with both a Plan A and Plan B.
- Mental Health Support for Adult Children
Melissa also encourages adult children to consider their own mental health as they support parents who are downsizing their lifetime of belongings. “It’s a stressful and emotionally taxing experience. Adult children often benefit from speaking with mental health professionals, not just for the parent’s well-being, but also for their own emotional resilience.”
Melissa recommends online platforms like BetterHelp or in-person therapists who can provide coping strategies, stress management, and guidance for navigating complex family dynamics. You can find these and other resources at the end of this article.
Lessons Beyond the TV Show Hoarders, with Matt Paxton
We also sat down with someone who came into the HD specialty with a more public flare, so to speak. Matt Paxton, best known for his 15 seasons on Hoarders, has spent nearly 25 years helping families declutter. His philosophy?
“Keep the memories, lose the stuff," which happens to also be the title of his book.
In Paxton’s newest venture, Clutter Cleaner, he trains professionals in practical strategies drawn from his extensive field experience, including his work individuals with hoarding disorder and their families. He emphasizes the following lessons:
Start Small.
Overwhelming someone with big demands will likely cause them to shut down. Smaller, more manageable steps are far more effective in building trust and momentum. It's not about what you get done, it's about getting started and keeping going.
Prioritize Safety.
Clear pathways, remove fire hazards, and focus on habitability first. A safe environment is the foundation for any further progress.
Use Humor.
Hoarding can be emotionally heavy. Lightening the mood at appropriate moments keeps everyone engaged and reduces tension.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection.
Any step forward—no matter how small—is a significant victory. Perfection is neither realistic nor necessary for positive change. “Focus on what you have achieved, not on what is yet to be completed. Mindset is everything,” says Matt.
Encourage Mental Health Support.
Professional help, such as therapy or support groups, is key to lasting success. Forced cleanouts without psychological support fail to address the root causes of hoarding disorder and are never successful. “In my 20+ years of cleaning out hoarded homes,” said Matt, “if the client doesn't receive some sort of therapy, the clean-out fails 100% of the time.”
Remember, you need not be alone in this work, parsing through the belongings of a loved one. Resources abound to help you from these tips to the linked resources below.
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HOARDING DISORDER AND OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT RESOURCES
Ultimately, knowledge, compassion, and structured professional intervention remain the most powerful tools to transform a household overrun by possessions into a home that fosters well-being for everyone involved. By recognizing the clinical realities of hoarding disorder, seeking professional guidance, and approaching loved ones with empathy, adult children can create a pathway toward safer homes and healthier relationships.
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The first four days of our 12 Days of Artifcts challenge. Objects with stories, your stories!
