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Artifcts \ Articles \ DECLUTTERING & ORGANIZING \ "My Parent is a Hoarder"

DECLUTTERING & ORGANIZING, HEALTH & AGING

"My Parent is a Hoarder"

contributors Melissa Autry and Matt Paxton

March 26, 2025

Audrey and her mother have always had a tricky relationship. While some people talk about the teenage years being strained, their relationship was strained from the very first sleepless nights when Audrey was a baby. Beyond the love lived a mix of frustration, embarrassment, and distrust that only worsened as Audrey grew older.

At the heart of it all, in Audrey’s view, is a legacy of too much stuff. She never invited friends to her home because she was embarrassed by the chaos of her mother’s clutter throughout their home. She didn’t even enjoy spending time there unless she stayed in her room, behind a locked door, where her mother’s stuff could not invade.

Now as an adult, she and her children visit her mom several times a year, and in each visit her mom attempts to gift her boxes of things she’s been saving for her. But in Audrey’s words, “I am going through boxes of nightmare. Nightmare! She’s blocking me with a bunch of s***.”

I am going through boxes of nightmare. Nightmare! She's blocking me with a bunch of s***. - Adult child, boxes of childhood memorabilia, at mother's home

And there you have it – for Audrey the stuff creates a barrier between her and her mother, depriving her of the relationship she wants for herself and her children.

And who can blame her? Don’t we all want more than a cardboard box of memories?

So many boxes. What is it all? When did anyone last open them? What will become of them next? Photo credit: Janet Wilson.

As adult children begin looking at their parents’ homes with fresh eyes, they wonder: Is it safe? Is it healthy? And, someday, will it fall to them to clean it all out and decide what goes, what stays, and who gets it next? What was once their parents’ problem may soon become their own.

And guess what? The adult kids are not having it. We hear from them every week at Artifcts, when they express with a dose of disbelief the fact their parents are in no rush to downsize all that ‘stuff.'

Of course, the sense that a parent is a hoarder, “But not really, or maybe just a light hoarder,” is just a broad brushed way of saying it’s too much to deal with and they need help. And not all stories are as negative as Audrey’s story.

Patrick wrote to us to share that he was raised by two parents who loved him unconditionally and taught him to appreciate what it meant to be a collector. This passion sparked an interest in the arts that has carried through to his career as a museum curator.

But as his parents aged and declining health became a more pressing issue, Patrick told us, “What once appeared to be connoisseurship soon looked more like hoarding as I started sifting through their pieces.” He went on, “It was TRAUMATIZING, having to figure this all out for them, let alone do so at the age when most of my peers weren’t even remotely close to being confronted with these types of issues.”

Join us in today’s ARTIcles story as we peel back the worry and fear of adult children who have parents who have enjoyed collecting and accumulating ‘stuff.’ We’ll explore hoarding disorder in more detail and share strategies to help adult children navigate their parents and themselves to safer ground.

What is Hoarding? (And What is It Not?)

Much as nostalgia historically was misunderstood, so too has hoarding gone through an evolution in science and the mainstream.

Hoarding has been clinically studied for decades, but public awareness only surged after the TV show Hoarders premiered in 2009. Until then, most people had never witnessed the severity and dangers of hoarded living spaces. Academic research—particularly work by Dr. Mary E. Dozier and Dr. Catherine R. Ayers—underscores how object attachment intensifies as we grow older, further emphasizing the profound emotional and psychological factors that drive hoarding behaviors.

DSM-5 CRITERIA FOR HOARDING DISORDER

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the reference guide mental health professionals use to support diagnoses of psychiatric conditions, classifies hoarding disorder (HD) under obsessive-compulsive and related disorders. The DSM describes a person who has “persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, regardless of their actual value. This difficulty is due to a perceived need to save the items and to the distress associated with discarding them.”

Importantly, the DSM-5 states that hoarding impairs a person’s ability to use their spaces and the items within as they intended. As Audrey’s earlier story illustrates, it can also cause “clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupation, or other important areas of functioning (including maintaining a safe environment safe for oneself or others.)” What does this look like in real life? It ranges from health hazards like vermin infestations or blocked exists, to emotional stress and family conflict.

Studies show that hoarding behaviors worsen over time, particularly as older adults develop stronger attachments to personal belongings (Dozier & Ayers, 2020). By the time a family member recognizes the problem—by the telltale overwhelming accumulation of stuff—the condition has deepened and evolved and may be linked to other conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and ADHD.

If you suspect hoarding disorder, experts recommend seeking a mental health evaluation. Professional help can involve therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), sometimes combined with medications to address any co-occurring conditions, such as depression or anxiety. Resources for help are provided at the end of this article.

NO, THAT’S NOT "HOARDING"

You might be wondering then, where is that line between disorder and, well, not!

It’s important to recognize that hoarding is not the same as collecting, even if that means multiple and/or large, usually well-organized, collections throughout a home.

Notice the word “organized” inserted there? That’s because collections are further distinguishable from clutter. According to the DSM, clutter is “a large group of usually unrelated or marginally related objects piled together in a disorganized fashion in spaces design for other purposes (e.g. tabletop, floor, hallway).”

Collectors often systematically organize and proudly display their collections (e.g., stamps, vinyl records, or figurines). These items may have monetary or sentimental value, but they typically do not obstruct the normal use of living spaces.

In contrast, hoarded items are often:

- - Randomly piled or disorganized
  - Kept “just in case” but rarely accessed/used
  - Spreading into spaces needed for daily living (e.g., kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms).

In addition to collections being organized, the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) highlights the importance of the location of the collections as opposed to clutter, too. Clutter accumulated in your basement and attic is commonplace, as both locations are the typical catchalls and storage solutions in homes.

The key questions are:

- - Does the stuff interfere with daily life and cause distress, for the individual and their family?
  - Are they able and willing to part with items, whether through giving them to a loved one, selling, donating, or disposing of them?

Hoarding Disorder and Insights for “Non-Hoarders”

"Well, my parents aren't hoarders but nearly!" Generally adult children who describe their parents offhand as “hoarders” do not mean it. Rarely do their parents actually have hoarding disorder, and they know it. But the fear of all that ‘stuff’ is real.

Finding a foothold in the chaos is important as is a path forward. We spoke with experts in hoarding disorder to elicit strategies and lessons for those adult kids ready to take steps toward a better future for their parents, however defined, and feel less like Don Quixote in the process. While we are talking about adult children, these strategies are adaptable to all with a little imagination.

Insights from 25 Years in the Field, with Melissa Autry

Melissa Autry, CSA, CPO, CPO-CD, is a Hoarding Remediation Expert and industry advocate who has been working with people who have HD for more than 35 years. It makes one wonder, who was her mentor back then, when awareness of never mind specialization in this disorder was surely lacking! And sure enough, she told us she had to invent her own job title.

Melissa specializes in safety and habitability, often working in extreme environments. She reminds families:

"Every case is different because every person's relationship with their stuff is different."

“It’s not only about the amount of stuff or the loss of use of the home. It’s about a person’s emotional equity with their possessions. Nine times out of ten, they’re not working with a mental health professional. Sometimes, the safety issues outweigh the mental health need—ask any firefighter! According to the Massachusetts Department of Fire Services, hoarding was a factor in 24% of fatal residential fires between 1999 and 2009. While both matter, a compromised structure takes priority when there is an immediate risk of loss of life.”

Hoarding remediation is hazardous work, often requiring hazmat suits to handle biohazards, mold, pests, and toxic materials. But Melissa believes that every case is an opportunity to improve someone’s quality of life—and sometimes, even save a life (people and pets).

She also emphasizes that while health and safety come first, personal contents matter, too—especially irreplaceable items like photos, letters, and memorabilia:

“There may be some really happy, healthy stories out there—and I love those. But our phone rings when nothing else has worked, when families are overwhelmed, and when they don’t even know how to start the conversation.”

“We tell stories through our stuff and experiences. I look at personal belongings like the gift shop at the adventure park—Our Life!"

Here is Melissa’s top advice for all of you adult children and families, distilled into 8 key points:

1. Every adult child is like an only child.
No two siblings experience a parent the same way. Each child has a unique relationship with their parent based on individual experiences, personalities, and past interactions. What works for one won’t necessarily work for another.

2. The parent-child dynamic evolves—sometimes painfully.
To a parent, you are always 12 years old—frozen in time. To an adult child, your own life experiences have shaped who you are, making it difficult to fit back into old roles. As your parent ages and needs help, the roles can slowly reverse—where you find yourself parenting your parent. This shift can be emotionally complex, especially if the original relationship was strained.

3. Delayed trauma responses and emotional triggers are real.
If your relationship with your parent was unhealthy or complicated, stepping into a caregiving role can be extremely triggering. It may stir up old wounds, unresolved conflicts, or memories of neglect and emotional distress. Yet now your parent needs help, and navigating these emotions can be really rough.

4. Understand the emotional attachment to items.
Ask about meaningful objects before pushing for decluttering. Building trust is the goal—not forcing change.

A personal den, curated with furnishings and memorabilia

A curated collection, a curated life, some items valuable, some items sentimental, all items honoring a life lived. Parting with them can be complex and emotional. Photo credit: Janet Wilson.

5. Appraisals can shift the conversation.
Assigning a monetary value can help separate financial worth from emotional worth (emotional equity) and clarify whether an item should be kept, sold, donated, or discarded.

6. Avoid “overhelping.”
Pushing too hard can backfire, making your loved one more resistant instead of more willing. Overhelping is a lose/lose scenario—both parties end up frustrated.

7. Recognize shifting roles.
The evolving dynamic between parent and adult child can feel unfamiliar and unsettling. You may no longer have anything in common other than the fact that you were both present during your childhood. Understanding this shift helps manage expectations and reduces emotional strain.

8. Practice self-care.
Decluttering a loved one’s home can be emotionally exhausting. While the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished” may ring true, caregiver fatigue is real. Everyone involved—parents, adult children, and professionals—benefits when a structured plan is in place with both a Plan A and Plan B.

Mental Health Support for Adult Children

Melissa also encourages adult children to consider their own mental health as they support parents who are downsizing their lifetime of belongings. “It’s a stressful and emotionally taxing experience. Adult children often benefit from speaking with mental health professionals, not just for the parent’s well-being, but also for their own emotional resilience.”

Melissa recommends online platforms like BetterHelp or in-person therapists who can provide coping strategies, stress management, and guidance for navigating complex family dynamics. You can find these and other resources at the end of this article.

Lessons Beyond the TV Show Hoarders, with Matt Paxton

We also sat down with someone who came into the HD specialty with a more public flare, so to speak. Matt Paxton, best known for his 15 seasons on Hoarders, has spent nearly 25 years helping families declutter. His philosophy?

“Keep the memories, lose the stuff," which happens to also be the title of his book.

In Paxton’s newest venture, Clutter Cleaner, he trains professionals in practical strategies drawn from his extensive field experience, including his work individuals with hoarding disorder and their families. He emphasizes the following lessons:

Start Small.
Overwhelming someone with big demands will likely cause them to shut down. Smaller, more manageable steps are far more effective in building trust and momentum. It's not about what you get done, it's about getting started and keeping going.

Prioritize Safety.
Clear pathways, remove fire hazards, and focus on habitability first. A safe environment is the foundation for any further progress.

Use Humor.
Hoarding can be emotionally heavy. Lightening the mood at appropriate moments keeps everyone engaged and reduces tension.

Focus on Progress, Not Perfection.
Any step forward—no matter how small—is a significant victory. Perfection is neither realistic nor necessary for positive change. “Focus on what you have achieved, not on what is yet to be completed. Mindset is everything,” says Matt.

Encourage Mental Health Support.
Professional help, such as therapy or support groups, is key to lasting success. Forced cleanouts without psychological support fail to address the root causes of hoarding disorder and are never successful. “In my 20+ years of cleaning out hoarded homes,” said Matt, “if the client doesn't receive some sort of therapy, the clean-out fails 100% of the time.”

Remember, you need not be alone in this work, parsing through the belongings of a loved one. Resources abound to help you from these tips to the linked resources below.

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HOARDING DISORDER AND OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT RESOURCES

Ultimately, knowledge, compassion, and structured professional intervention remain the most powerful tools to transform a household overrun by possessions into a home that fosters well-being for everyone involved. By recognizing the clinical realities of hoarding disorder, seeking professional guidance, and approaching loved ones with empathy, adult children can create a pathway toward safer homes and healthier relationships.

- - International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) - Hoarding
  - Institute for Challenging Disorganization (ICD)
  - National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO)
  - BetterHelp – Online mental health platform connecting individuals with licensed professionals

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How to Artifct with Grandma and Grandpa

For many of us, summertime means time with extended family, maybe even “sleepaways” with Grandma and Grandpa. We should all be so lucky!

In the spirit of quality time together at any time of the year, we sat down this summer to interview a granddaughter-grandmother duo who have spent occasional Saturdays throughout the past couple of years Artifcting together. We wanted to learn why they took up Artifcting and any tips they have for other intergenerational pairs who plan to connect with each other through Artifcts.

In case you’re short on time, here was what they each wanted to be sure you knew:

Granddaughter: I never spent time one on one with my grandma. We see each other a lot, she only lives 45 minutes away, but all of our gatherings involve my siblings and/or at least one of my parents, too. Plus, I was going away to college soon and knew I wouldn’t see her much for a while.

Artifcts is easy to use, easy to share, which was critical. I knew my dad would love the Artifcts, too. He’s a big storyteller. The biggest surprise about Artifcting was that it totally changed how I think of my grandma, and I feel closer to her than ever.

It was never a chore. I wanted to be with her.

Grandma: No one can sit still these days, never mind exist without their cell phone.

My granddaughter is funny and an artist, too. I’m always interested in what she’s doing. I didn’t think she was interested in my stories from the old days. But once I told her a story or two from living abroad in my 20s, she kept coming back to ask for more stories.

It wasn’t my plan, but I started to give away items I had collected, too. Not just to her. I had her bring items to others because once I told the story, I knew who would enjoy it and would give it a good home. And you know what? Not once did they say to her that they didn’t want it. They loved the stories!

You may also be interested in our ARTIcles by Artifcts about Swedish death cleaning.

We're honored to participate once again in Grandparents Week - the largest online celebration and educational event for grandparents of its kind. Hosted by our partner, GrandparentsAcademy.com, this event showcases leading experts and resources for grandparents. Artifcts will be spotlighted in the GrandTech Showcase and delivering a walkthrough on how grandparents can use our solution to capture and share meaningful stories from their stuff.'

Tips for Artifcting with Your Grandparents

Above all else, don’t let the age difference get in the way. Fun fact: A 2006 study by researchers from Duke University and the University of Aarhus found that older respondents feel 20% younger than their actual age. So your grandparents may very well respond to you as though they are much younger than they are!

But as far as true age goes, be mindful of how your respective ages might require a breath or two to (a) break down any awkwardness, (b) explain the purpose and process of Artifcts, and (c) find the right pace for your Artifcting together. Here are tips other grandchildren offered from their Artifcting experiences:

1. Be ready. Create a few Artifcts for yourself before arriving.

Use whatever device you plan to use when Artifcting with your grandma/grandpa to avoid any stress or delays in the process. (Artifcts note: We have a series of tips videos, too, if needed.) And if they want to Artifct on their own, share one of your unlimited Artifcts accounts with them and help them set it up.

Bring an Artifct That! Kit with you so you are not asking them for these supplies to support your Artifcting, and review our tips for taking photos of objects.

Also, if you know they plan to move or downsize, help them out by adding dimensions to their Artifcts, using helpful tags (e.g., #attic, #livingroom, #hallcloset), and filling in that ‘In the Future’ field too – does Grandpa want to sell this item, donate it, bequeath it?

2. Explain yourself! Share what Artifcts is, why you want to Artifct together, and how it will help them to share the memories and value behind all these objects with other family, friends, and potentially advisors (estate attorneys, insurance agents, wealth managers).

3. Again, they may be older, but they were young once, too. One granddaughter said she felt like her grandma was a 20-year-old person in an 81-year-old body. Once they started to talk, the decades between them melted away. Talk with respect, listen with still greater respect, and remember they were your age once, too!

4. Breaks are good for everyone. If you are creating Artifct after Artifct for grandma/grandpa, you’ll want a break. Eventually they will, too. It's hard to be “on” for so long and you’ll need to stretch your legs. Go for a walk, grab a coffee, or call it a day and come back again sometime soon.

5. Hold those assumptions. Just because that portrait or vase has always been featured in a seemingly special location in their home doesn’t mean it’s what they value most. Start by asking about an object you are interested in. Then ask them to pick an item and see where it leads you both.

6. Make sure they know you truly do want their stories. This is not homework. No one sent you. You are curious. Now, in reality, there may be details they aren’t comfortable sharing with you, and that’s okay. Avoid rushing them, embrace pauses, and let them take the lead.

7. Ask first. Before you grab an object or take a picture, especially if they are in the picture, ask their permission so it’s clear this collaboration is on their own terms. Maybe they are more comfortable recording using their voice only instead of on video. Or maybe Grandma got all dolled up and is ready for her spotlight. Be respectful of their space and their person and ask first.

8. Don’t argue. You may have heard the story told another way by your parents or another family member. Think of it as a difference of perspective. Record it faithfully. This may make for some fun conversation the next time the whole family is around the table as you parse through tall tales and family lore.

This is especially important if you are Artifcting with someone with any stage of cognitive decline. Let the conversation flow. Be an active, supportive listener, not a domineering guide.

You may also be interested in these ARTIcles by Artifcts about dementia.

Tips for Artifcting with Your Grandkids

You didn’t think this was a one-way street, did you? Your grandkids may in fact have short attention spans and very narrow or different interests than your own. But this is your home, your life, so enjoy the element of surprise as you share never-before-heard stories that will capture their attention and imagination.

1. Gather a few objects in advance. If you have picked a few items you want to share, it will remove any hesitation to dive in once they arrive.

2. Find a comfortable place. If you prefer to be in the living room, then guide them there from the get-go. Ideally your location has nice natural lighting so they can snap some nice pictures of the items and maybe even record you on video, too, if you’re game.

3. Is anything off limits? Let them know if there are people or times of life you do not want to talk about. Conversely, if you want to talk about your parents, your career, your passion for {hobby}, let them know, and have photos, objects and other things on hand to guide the Artifcts conversation in that direction.

4. Do you need any help with these objects? Perhaps you’ve decided to sell a collection, donate certain items, or pass keepsakes along to family members and friends. Make sure you note your intentions in each Artifcts’ ‘In the Future’ field. If your grandchild is of the appropriate age, maybe they can help get the ‘stuff’ where you want it to go next. If not, download your collection and choose the ‘Up Next Report’ to download and share with loved ones who can help you begin to downsize and/or declutter.

5. Enjoy. Let them do the Artifcting, like your own very own biographer. That said, if you’d like to surprise loved ones with Artifcts after your grandchild has left, make sure they show you in the ins and outs of Artifcts so you feel comfortable Artifcting and sharing Artifcts from your own account and your own device.

Happy Artifcting!

###

August 30, 2025

TIPS & TRICKS, KIDS, HEALTH & AGING

Meet Mercedes the Alpaca – She’ll Make You Smile

Hello Arti Community!

It's Ellen here, co-founder of Artifcts. We emailed you all a few weeks ago when Heather and I first discovered Fracture and promised to reveal the rest of the story of our first experience printing photos to glass. More specifically, I shared that I had chosen a hilarious print for my first photo to glass purchase, and I hope this one does not disappoint.

I’ve never been a massive collector. Too much stuff stresses me out. (And it means more to dust!)

But I’ve always been someone who likes to weave friends and family into my family’s home via artwork they’ve created, heirlooms I’ve inherited, or mementos from travels together. If those things include pops of color, even better.

Well, about a month ago, a friend of mine who is on an epic 3-month RV road trip with her two dogs shared with me a story about Mercedes the alpaca. I was having a rough morning, so opening up her note to see Mercedes staring at me left me with no choice but to laugh. How could I not?

Photo: B Hardie.

Fast forward to wanting to choose that first photo on glass with Fracture and having a blank space on the wall in my master bathroom, I knew JUST the photo to choose. For anyone thinking it’s crazy to decorate a bathroom, I ask “Why?” How many times do you see in tv shows and movies characters standing in front of a bathroom mirror psyching themselves up for a big game or meeting? Any room in your house can be inspiring, even the bathroom.

And, really, look at Mercedes. She’s hilarious. And my friend’s story comparing herself to Mercedes makes this pic still funnier. I’ll see the pic, laugh, think of my friend, and prepare for my day. A triple win.

_______________

If you’ll indulge me just one more moment of your time, I want to share with you all that I’ll departing Artifcts at the end of this month. I’ll remain co-founder always and ardent Artifcter, too. But, as this is my final ARTIcles story for you all, I want to say thank you. Thank you for reading our blog, sharing your stories, and celebrating the growth of Artifcts with us. It’s been a joy to write for you, inspire you and be inspired by you, and swap Artifcts with you, too. (Never shared an Artifct with me? Please do! I’m @Egoody.)

I hope you find bursts of Mercedes-esque joy in your own lives every day. Let the ‘stuff’ you surround yourself with bring you happiness and connect you with all whom you love.

###

by Ellen Goodwin, Artifcts

August 27, 2025

FEATURED

Preparing With the End in Mind: A Conversation with Rachel Donnelly, Author & After Loss Professional

August is Make a Will month and although it is probably not a holiday (or month!) that we tend to celebrate, it's a topic that we should all address at some point or another. If you happen to be one of the nearly 12 percent of Americans on holiday this August and you're reading today's ARTIcles story, nothing says I love you like sinking your toes into the sand next to your partner and striking up a conversation about end of life planning.

We invited Rachel Donnelly, founder of AfterLight, co-founder of Professionals of After Loss Services, and author of Late to Your Own Funeral: How To Leave A Legacy And Not A Logjam, to join us for a conversation about one of the few things that is gauranteed in life (in addition to taxes and aging). Read on for Rachel's practical advice, tips, and conversation starters. There truly is no time like the present to have the conversation we may all be putting off (and off).

Heather Nickerson, Co-Founder of Artifcts: Rachel, you are an after loss consultant. I think "after loss" is clear for all, but can you illuminate what services you provide in this role?

Rachel Donnelly: Sure! As an after loss consultant, I help people navigate the logistical and administrative tasks that are unavoidable after the death of a loved one. This role encompasses a wide range of responsibilities, including organizing and closing accounts, coordinating and completing forms, locating and securing necessary documents, and managing estate clean-outs or disposing of tangible personal property, as well as working with attorneys, financial advisors, and other professionals. I’m essentially the project manager you didn’t know you’d need when someone dies, helping clients navigate challenges like being overwhelmed, missteps, and missed deadlines.

Nickerson: So not all your services are necessarily offered literally after someone dies, sometimes it's about preparedness for that eventual reality we'll all face?

Donnelly: Yes, and after working with hundreds of clients, I know the common blind spots that people overlook as part of their estate planning and organization. I can serve as their “personal trainer” for estate organization, acting as an accountability partner and coach before something happens. That might mean organizing estate documents and digital assets, inventorying their belongings, or making sure their executor isn’t left guessing. Think of it as doing your loved ones a huge favor in advance. It’s the “leave a legacy and not a logjam” approach.

Think of it as doing your loved ones a huge favor in advance. It’s the “leave a legacy and not a logjam” approach.

Nickerson: Who typically calls you in an after loss scenario? Is it the estate executor, aka next of kin, who really isn't sure what on earth to do now?

Donnelly: Yes. My client is usually the named executor, a surviving spouse, or an adult child who has just lost a parent. They're grieving and overwhelmed, confused about what to do first, and feel like they’re drowning in paperwork and tasks. That’s when I step in to bring order to the chaos.

Nickerson: What led you to take the leap from being the founder of your own after loss business at AfterLight to co-founding an organization to train others—Professionals of After Loss Services (PALS)?

Donnelly: What began as an informal networking group of women with businesses similar to mine has grown into the first and only dedicated community for after loss professionals. There is a significant need for professionals who are both trained and experienced in handling loss situations. While the field is growing quickly, there is still a gap in connection, consistency, and shared knowledge.

We created PALS to close that gap by building a network of trained, vetted professionals who understand the unique needs of clients after a loss. Our mission is to raise the standard of care while fostering a supportive community of pros who truly “get it.” We bring together people who are passionate about helping families navigate the administrative and logistical challenges of settling an estate while grieving. Whether you already serve families after a loss or are exploring how to begin, PALS is the place to learn, connect, and grow. As we like to say at PALS, a rising tide lifts all boats.

Nickerson: Among PALS-trained professionals, are there subspecialties? For example, do some professionals work more with widows or with families who have lost a child?

Donnelly: Yes, absolutely. While all PALS-trained professionals have a strong foundation in after loss logistics, many bring their own unique backgrounds to the table. Some focus more on grief support, others on estate organizing or clean-outs. We also have professionals who specialize in working with widows, the sandwich generation, or solo agers. It’s not one-size-fits-all, and that is what makes the network so valuable.

Nickerson: You also have “The checklist of death," not something most people probably hear on a daily basis. Where do you see the most mistakes made? What is most commonly overlooked? What are the first three steps someone should take in nearly any after loss scenario?

Donnelly: I love that phrase because it’s real. The biggest mistake I see is people jumping straight into tasks like cleaning out the house or closing accounts without understanding that there is often a specific order these steps should be followed according to the estate plan. Skipping that order or protocol can create significant problems later.

The biggest mistake I see is people jumping straight into tasks like cleaning out the house or closing accounts without understanding that there is often a specific order these steps should be followed according to the estate plan.

Most commonly overlooked? Digital assets. People often forget about email, cloud accounts, subscriptions, and social media, which can hold financial, exchange, or sentimental value.

As for first steps, aside from the funeral or memorial:

1. 1. Secure the home and cars, and forward the mail.
  2. Locate the will, trust, and other important documents.
  3. Make a detailed list of what they owe and what they own, which will be crucial during the estate settlement process.

Nickerson: And last but not least, you are a published author. What’s the feedback been like on your new book? Are you hearing from readers about "ah ha" moments?

Donnelly: It’s been humbling and amazing. People tell me Late To Your Own Funeral: How To Leave A Legacy And Not A Logjam is the first book they’ve read on this topic that doesn’t make them feel like they’re reading a legal manual—or a eulogy. I’ve had so many people tell me they’ve given this to their aging parents, who would never even broach the subject with them, and now they’re meeting with attorneys and formalizing their estate planning documents. One woman said, “This made me laugh, cry, and then finally get my affairs in order.” That’s exactly what I was going for: clarity, empathy, and a little irreverence to make it all feel more doable.

###

Interested in learning more about becoming a Professional of After Loss Services? Join Rachel and our co-founder Heather at the Professionals of After Loss Services Conference this October in Atlanta, GA. Click here for more details.

August 13, 2025

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